Holiday movies for people of every different race

Around christmas time, many people like to get together with their respective families to watch a picture show, or two, so that got me thinking, what do people of different races watch around christmas time.

So, without further adieu, here is a list of movies that people like to watch:

The Blacks love a lot of different movies, movies with people of color in them. For instance, the blacks love to watch Tyler Perry movies around christmas as they take place in Atlanta, home of the blacks, and Madea reminds a lot of blacks of a great aunt. Some honorable mentions go to 8 mile, because it is filmed in the motherland of the blacks - Detroit, Double Take, because of the mention of malt liquor, The Wash, because it has Snoop Dogg in it, and Malibu's Most Wanted, because the main character thinks he's black.

The Mexicans like to watch movies where there is a lot of payyon, mexican people, and/or musica. The most notable movie popular with the mexicans is La Bamba. Ritchie Valens sings about amor and payyon, and it takes place in the San Fernando Valley, home to a lot of the mexicans. The movie also addresses topics like fear of flying, and illegitamate children. Some honorable mentions go to The Legend of Zorro, another movie with some latin payyon, Stand and Deliver, because most of the characters alternate between english and spanish, and 187, because of the high mexican to non mexican ratio.

The orientals like to watch movies with kung fu and karate. The most popular movie for the orientals to watch during the holidays is Mulan, as it is the most accurate depiction of a family from China, as it does contain a gong. Plus, the characters in Mulan look chinese. Honorable mentions go to any movie with Jet Li, Jackie Chan, or Chow Yun Fat, as well as Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, because of the little oriental boy - Short Round, and Lethal Weapon 4, with Little Ping.

The whites like to watch movies with political correctness in them, movies where homosexuality is considered cool, and diseases like the GC and the chemo are talked about openly. Brokeback Mountain is the most popular movie for the whites to watch when they are together as a family, plus they can mourn Heath Ledger and talk about what a great father he was and how much he loved is daughter. Honorable mentions go to Philadelphia, because of the GC, and The Family Stone, because the mom got the BC (Breast Chemo) and died. I wonder if the dad from the family stone got the chemo for doing mom.

This is a pretty inclusive list, so I suggest you pop some popcorn, open up a 40 dogg and watch a way. Merry Christmas!

What Phil is thankful for - 2008 Edition

Friends of the blog, as the holiday season approaches us, there are a list of things that I want to give my thanks for, things that I am proud to have in my life, and overall stuff that I appreciate, so with no further adieu, here is a list of things I am thankful for:

1) Great friends: Fernanado Lunarzano, Malcolm James McCurry, and Chang Lee - you are the greatest. Your ideas keep the blog rolling and you each suck balls. Can't wait for Chang's disco flatbed truck!

2) BBW's - when I strike out at the local bar, you give me a warm place to insert my penis and an excuse to wake up early in the morning to redeem myself. Geez girl, you so big, I can completely cover myself in your rolls of fat, so when I'm with you from 2-5 AM, I don't even need a blanket.

3) (Legal) Party Favors - when I meet a girl who is a prude, if she (willingly, of course) takes you, she's willing to accept my spooge inside her, no matter what.

4) False Identities - I love you! If it wasn't for you, I'd be on the hook for a lot of child support, and of course be paying for a lot of condoms. So many times I have used the name Clay Banshee, and the women have bought it. For all you readers don't be stupid and use your real name, and wear socks when you go to some stupid bitch's house, it's a sure way to get caught. Remember, your only real protection is your false identity. Why waste so much money on a condom?

5) Diseased girls - I'm glad I met you, because I can get pity sex out of you, since you're not going to turn me down. I mean, why would a girl who is about to die turn me down? Find a nice looking girl with cancer or diabetes and let her know how hot you find her. You're surely going to get some pre-mortem fellatio. Just don't catch the chemo!

6) Antonio Lopez - You have taught me how to get any girl just by pretending to be a Latin Lover. Just change the "Y" in any word to a "J" and boom, the panties come off. My closing ratio has improved by 36.2% since I changed my name from Phil Asheeyo to Antonio Lopez-Suarez. Joos remember ladies, I can provide payyon at any time joo want, joos spread jor legs.

7) Cleveland Steamer, Indiana Icepick, Calcutta Creampie, and the Shanghai Shooter - No bitch can ever say that I'm not cultured. I know the ways of my urban friends in Cleveland and Indiana, and I know the international ways of my friends in India and China. Gotta love the Chinese - they so dirty.

With the holidays coming, a special thanks to the above! Phil is going to be on hiatus beginning Thursday, November 27th, until Monday, December 8th. Keep reading the blog though, as it is going to be 78% more tasteless and 81% more groin grabbing!

How to determine if a woman is marriage material

Gentlemen, I know some of you out there may decide at some point that the prudent thing to do is to get married. After all, we are in a recession, and if you can get someone else to throw some cash into the till, why not? Before you decide to take the plunge and allow someone access to your bank account, here are some determining factors, you must consider.

1) She better not be a BBW - we all know that while BBW's will suck anywhere you want and let you act out any and all fetishes you might desire, but do you think a BBW has any real potential. Also, do you really want to introduce Ms. Cholesterol Saturated Fat, as your wife at the company picnic?

2) If you marry a BBW, she better not have kids - do you really want to take care of some other person's trash? Every time you look at the bastard children of your BBW wife, Ms. Cholesterol Saturated Fat, you have to see the face of the man who your BBW wife allowed to penetrate her, and probably drop a steamer on her chest.

3) Just don't marry a BBW - while they are a great 2-5'er, I've just given you two reasons for why a BBW is not marriage material.

4) Takes serious health ailments in stride - nothing is more of a mood killer than your wife not being DTF if she finds out she has the cancer, diabetes, or menopause. So what? You don't have cancer, and you're DTF, so your wife better take in your little buddy. Just make sure if your wife has cancer, you don't catch the chemo - it kills.

5) Knows the meaning of Cap'n save-a-hoe and other urban slang - nothing looks worse than if a woman doesn't know the meaning of Cap'n save-a-hoe, Pigeon, Scrub, Skeezer, Trick hoe, et al. Make sure that she is educated on the lingo of the hood, so if she hears one of the aforementioned at a cookout, she doesn't have to be educated.

6) Has a tight vaginal area - Face it, a woman who is not tight, is used. We can spooge in any woman we want, but women are supposed to remain clean and virginal until we decide we want to spooge in their vagina. Doing a loose girl is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway - you want the girl to be so tight that she can feel everything you have inside her, whether it be a penis, fist, or foreign object.

7) She better be impervious to the latin payyon - If your hoe meets criteria 1-6, the most important hurdle to overcome is that she needs to be impervious to Antonio Lopez, the resident latin lover. Just whisper this into her ear: "Joo wanna some payyon in jor mouth," and if she gives you an odd look, you know she's a keeper. However, if asking her "Joo wanna some payyon in jor mouth," makes her tingle, you know she'll dump you for Antonio Lopez as soon as she sees him.

Good luck men, I hope this list works. Keep in mind, that when and if you get married, that joo (you) make sure she meets all the criteria. If not, just spooge in her and get the hell out of dodge. You must never reveal your real identity or wear socks, until you know she's the one for you!

A temporary goodbye, denimwarehouse readers

Today, friends, I must bid a temporary adieu to all of Phil's readers. I am moving across this beautiful c(o)untry and will be without internet until Saturday, November 22nd. At that point, I will be back, with more fire and payyon (Passion) than ever!

I would like to honor the three biggest contributors to the denimwarehouse, and in no particular order, here they are:

1) Chang Lee: You so nasty. If I ever get the money together to buy a flat bed truck, you're dancing on said flatbed. We'll start the "Chang Lee Dance Party." Keep the dream alive!

2) Malcolm James McCurry: A special congrats brother! We got Obama in office, and now we have to help our friends like Nug Nug and Tummyache get real jobs. Represent forever, foo!

3) Fernando Lunarzano: You are so fabulous! Keep drinking the wheatgrass and aloe vera. Joo gotta keep putting the hoes in Stage 5.

With that, I'm done for a few days, getting my new place of residence set up, but I'll leave you with this...tasteless things to do when you're bored:

1) Take a woman who has a stub instead of a hand on a date and see if she can stub (rather than fist) herself, or your ass.

2) Take a woman who has cancer to the park for a walk, and steal her chemo

3) Go on a date with a woman who has a prosthetic limb and see how many orifices on her body you can spooge in.

4) Steal said woman's prosthetic limb and sell it for the essentials like party favors, quaaludes, and crack.

5) Visit the local pizzaria and Yaaaaaaaaow it up with the local high school girls.

6) Perfect jor latin accent

Thanks for your support! Come back November 24th, as Phil will be back with an all new blog.

Some new and taste(less)ful products

Friends, I am an innovator, after all, I come up with 69% of the material on this blog, and with the holidays around the corner, it's a good time for me to put out my mind to good use.

For those overly fertile women you spooge in:

Dr. Twistee's home abortion kit. This kit includes some party favors, a bottle of cheap champagne, a champagne flute, and a wire coat hanger, with instructions on how to unbend the wire coat hanger and use it to take care of the abortion.

For the woman who gets out of line sometimes:

Big Bill's Backhand in a Box. If you don't want to use your hand to backhand that cunt when she won't suck your dick, you can buy Big Bill's Backhand in a Box which includes a fake arm and hand attached to it. The lifelike arm will ensure that every woman you come across knows who's boss.

If you want to tell women you're a latin lover:

Antonio Lopez in jor pocket: This kit will turn every non latin-non lover into a latin lover without plastic surgery. Includes a microphone and a small, but powerful speaker you put in jor (your)pocket. You say something like: Hello, female, would you like to dance with me, but the output is: Hola lady, joo want some payyon on the dence floor. This device will have all the ladies going crazy for their payyonate latin man.

For the BBW who plays hard to get:

Bill Cosby's Pudding scented Penis: If you go, at 2 AM, to see a BBW to get some fellatio, and she's not sucking, or biting for that matter, just spray a few drops of Bill Cosby's Pudding scented Penis and the BBW, like a dog in heat, will run to your nether regions rip your trousers off and start licking your pudding pop. Make sure you don't spray too much, as the BBW's are always on the prowl for food, and you don't want them to bite your little buddy, just lick and suck it dry. Note: BBW's have NO RIGHT to play hard to get, as they should be thankful you want to fuck them.

If you want to nail a woman who has cancer:

Bob's Bald cap and Sammy's Syringes: You just take Bob's bald cap and put in on your head so it looks like you've lost your hair from the chemo radiation therapy, and you keep some of Sammy's Syringes, which of course are fakes, in your jacket pocket, and you go to a cancer group home and you tell the hoes recovering from cancer that you need to feel like a man again, and with Bob's Bald cap and Sammy's Syringes, how will they prove you wrong? Just make sure that when you are granted entry, you use extra precaution, otherwise, you'll catch the chemo.

I've given you 5 solid ideas for making some money, now get working! There is mucho dinero that needs to be made in these tough times, and these new products are gonna fly off the shelf. The only question is, are you going to make these products, or am I?

Chris Mud.

Great one-liners to tell a woman

As a man, sometimes I am at a loss for words when it comes to articulating my feelings to a woman. Do I complement them? Do I tell them the brutally honest truth? What do I do?? For instance if a woman and I just fornicated, what should I say? I mean I've just been sucked dry and all I want is a sandwich, but women are often stupid and want to talk. See yesterday's blog, as it is socially acceptiable to backhand a woman if she either a) wants to cuddle, or b) wants to talk about her kitty cat.

That being said, here are some good one liners to use if you meet a woman and are trying to pick her up:

1) "I want to suck your vaj juice clean."

2) "I'd like to give you a bikini wax with my teeth"

3) "You can use my face as your personal bidet"

4) "I want to cum inside you and get you pregnant"

5) "Joo wanna some latin payyon in jor mouth?" (Mexican for You want some latin passion in your mouth)

6) For a BBW: "I want to feed you my cock all night long" (Since they like to eat)

7) For an underage girl: "In 6 months (or whenever she turns 18) I can face fuck you and you can't tell on me."

8) For a family member you're related to, not by blood: "Girl, we can make kids and they won't be born retarted and shit."

Great lines to use after sex, to convey to the cunt that you enjoyed it:

1) "Girl, you suck dick like a fag"

2) If you spooged inside a girl: "I don't want a sandwich, I just want to stick my summer sausage in your buns"

3) If you just face fucked a BBW: "Damn girl, I didn't know you could eat so much spooge, you fucking glutton."

4) If you fucked a BBW: "Wow, you're tighter than I thought"

5) If you just fucked a virgin: "You're not bad, but you need to take a dick like a fag, so practice a little before calling me"

6) If you just fucked a woman you're related to, not by blood: "You're a fucking champ girl, you've just taken two Lunarzanos (or whatever your last name might be) in your cunt and mouth."

7) If you fucked another BBW: "Can I use your shirt to wipe up, since it's big enough for two."

8) "I want to run a train on you with thirteen of my closest homies"

These are your top 8 lines to tell a woman. Be sure you mix it up and drop some party favors in there for maximum results.

Chris Mud

For Fernando Lunarzano

Chris Mud

Scenarios where it would be okay to backhand a woman

I am not a fan of violence, but sometimes that hoe needs to be reminded who's boss around these parts. Not every woman needs to be put in check, but sometimes that select woman who speaks out of turn needs to be back handed, to remind her when to get on her knees.

Scenario # 1
When you're fingering a girl and she won't return the favor but giving you a hand job, you definitely need to remind her who's in charge. Backhand that cunt and remind her that you're doing her a favor. After that, she'll not only stroke you off, but she'll give you apology fellatio.

Scenario # 2
When you're over at a BBW's house between 2 and 5 AM, and she won't allow you to enact your fetishes (like dropping a steamer) or she's not hungry enough to give you fellatio. Backhand the 2-5er and remind her of how much of a glutton she is.

Scenario # 3
If the woman finds out your real name, backhand her until she gets amnesia or until she forgets what you look like. You need to always protect yourself with a fake identity, fake cell phone #, and the like, but if you slip up, backhand her and then go to get a new set of papers.

Scenario # 4
Backhanding a woman of color for being, well, ethnic. Here is a list of the color breakdown of women and whether to backhand them or not:

Black Women: Don't backhand her - she'll get the hood on you
Mexican Women: Backhand her, but watch out, she might get pregnant
Oriental Women: Backhand all you want, they like to serve their men
White Women: Backhand all you want, they like being manhandled

If you wear a blindfold while you backhand a woman, you get a mulligan.

Scenario # 5
If a woman rejects party favors, you better backhand that cunt. Any time a woman doesn't show appreciation for a present, whether it be a face-fuck, a cream-pie, or some Quaaludes, you need to remind her that she better be thankful.

Remember now, it's never okay to backhand a woman if there is no reason behind it, but for the above reasons, I say, go for it. Some women are cunts and therefore need to be reminded to give us entry in their cunt.

What to buy your whore, skank, skeezer, BBW, or pigeon for Christmas

"Christmas is coming
BBW needs to eat
A ho-ho or mallo-mar
or some food that is sweet

If you have not a mallo-mar
a snickers bar will do the trick
If you have not a snickers bar
she'll gladly suck your dick"

With christmas around the corner and our economy suffering, you may have to save a little more this year to get that special woman a christmas gift. While there are still 43 days until the birth of Christ, you may have to get your pennies together, and when you have your piggy bank ready, here is a guide of presents to get that special lady.

For the BBW:

The BBW will be happy with a case of mallo-mars or some ho-ho's. Make sure you show up when you know she's ready to eat, because after she eats the case of mallo-mar's, she's going to suck you dry. Again, the BBW is a creature you must never see in the light of day, so show up at 2 AM, give her the gift, face fuck the shit out of her, and leave by 5 AM.

For the girl you just fingered:

This is tricky, because you want to nail the girl you just fingered, but sometimes a little patience is needed. Stage # 1 girl should get a home pregnancy test. Show up to her house with some party favors and a Sade CD. After taking some party favors, pound deep and hard into her Vaj, making sure you get every last drop of spooge inside of her. Remember, you pay for the home pregnancy test with cash and she doesn't know your real name.

For the girl about to turn 18:

If you know a hot 17 (or 16) year old girl, you can get her a countdown clock which shows all zeros on her 18th birthday, so that when she turns 18, she knows exactly whose penis will be releasing spooge inside her. Again, you never disclose your real name to any women, this will surely fuck shit up.

For the girl who is related to you, not by blood:

Hot aunt, stepsister, or step-mom? Butter her up and let her vaj marinate by giving her a coupon for a free massage, from you, of course. Give that favorite female relative a nice shoulder - then back - then clit massage and while you're touching her clit, you might as well stick your penis in there. For that special relative, you definitely want to wear a condom. It's the only time Phil endorses the use of a jimmy hat.

Remember, it's Christmas, so a little generosity goes a long, long way. Be sure that when you present that special lady in your life her Christmas present, that you are lubed up, and ready to go. You never want to deprive yourself of an opportunity to nail that hoe during the holiday season.

Dead women who I'd be down to do...

As a red-blodded American man, I like to jack off. I lubricate my hands with some sweat and I go to town on my little buddy, and of course I like to stroke my little buddy while watching a pornographic movie, old 90210 episodes, or of course, Rachel Ray. That being said, we often forget the women who have left us, and I submit to you, a list of some departed women, who I would love to penetrate.

1) Jacqueline Kennedy Onaissis - You know she has some DSL's, after all she married two rich guys and no rich guy would marry a hoe who can't give fellatio. That being said, I've seen some pictures of her and I would love to finger her while she looks me in the eyes. Even as she got older, even as the pussy became dry, I would still use my sweat to lube her up.

2) Caroline Bessett Kennedy - Like her departed mother in law, you know she's down for whatever fetishes you have, as a girl has to do what is needed to attract the rich men. I would love to face f*ck her or stick my penis between her breasts.

3) Laci Peterson - There is something innocent and/or virginal about her, which makes me want her. Yeah she was a little chunky, so you know she's open to taking all of you in every hole on her body. I wouldn't go so far as to call her a 2-5er, since she's a moderate BBW - maybe she's a 1-6er.

4) Marilyn Monroe - I want to stroke my penis while watching that tape of her sucking some man's dick, because after that, I could only imagine what she would do to me. A young starlet in the 1940's - you know she's always DTF.

5) Margaux Hemingway - She died of an eating disorder, so imagine if she had met me before she died. I would have fed her my cock, and probably saved her life, and she would have had to service me on a regular basis.

6) Terri Schiavo - Before she decided to become a vegetable, she looked pretty good. I would have definitely starched my tube sock looking at her pictures, but then she fucked up and got hospitalized. Since she had a feeding tube in her mouth, you know she's down for some other type of tube. Bonus - you could have done some dirty deeds while she was in the hospital, and you wouldn't need protection, because there's no way she would know who you are.

Special Phil Bonus:

1) Jon Benet Ramsey - She would be in the tickler file, but you know at 18 she would have been down to have that ass spread. Kids who grow up with pushy parents have serious issues and that would have been hot.

Ok, so now I'm going to hell very fast, but before you judge me, it's not my fault that the hoes on my list decided to die. I can't control what makes me hard, so if you have a problem with that, go fist yourself.

The tickler file

Readers in blog land, there comes a time when a man has to prepare, prepare for important things like retiring, buying a house, putting aside that extra dollar or two to buy the essentials like doobies, or general party favors.

What about forecasting your future poon? You probably are getting nice pieces of strange ass every night, but in 10-15 years, what will you do?

Option # 1: Wear a blindfold and anything goes!

Option # 2: The tickler file - forecasting tomorrow's poon, today! You put girls, ages newborn to 17 in the tickler, as if it's a wine cellar. You let them mature and marinate, and when they reach 18, or the age of consent in their location, you pounce on them. Yaaaaaaaow!

Here is my tickler file:

1) Miley Cyrus - Not too hot, but she's already posed in some naughty magazines and she's dating an older man, so you know she's DTF. All signs point to a future hoe which Phil's readers could definitely enjoy a few hours of payyon (passion) with.

2) Dakota Fanning - She was a cutie pixie-type girl and then she went through puberty and now she's getting a rack and some DSL's. Plus, you don't see any naughty pictures of her which means there is something nubile and pure about her.

3) Abigail Breslin - The chick from Little Miss Sunshine - If you saw that movie, you could tell she is a funny girl, so the personality is definitely there. That being said, she could stand to lose about 15-20 pounds, but when she gets to 18, she's a definite 2-5er with the potential of so much more.

4) Willow Palin - Sarah Palin's 14 year old daughter is definitely DTF. Look at her elder sister and her mom, plus in Alaska, what else do they do? Other than crystal meth. Willow, like Abigail Breslin, can afford to stop eating cupcakes for a while, but I'd love to spread that ass, in about 4 years. That being said, if Willow Palin keeps eating, then she's a BBW, and you know that a BBW is good for. A special shout out to Palin's other daughter, the little one, Piper. Did you see her lick her retard brother's head during the convention. She's down for incest. That's hot. Note: If you do a Palin, wear a condom, as the Palins are overly fertile. You know she'd rather be holding a dick than a retarded child in that pic.

5) Malia and Sasha Obama - Just look at their mom. Michelle Obama is a MILF, and we'll get to see the Obama girls grow up in front of our very eyes. There is something hot about seeing a girl, whom your not related to (or related to, not by blood) grow up in front of you, you get to see them buy their first piece of naughty clothing, and eventually you'll see their escapades. If they turn out like Michelle...just watch out..Sit on my faaaaaaaaaaaace! (at the age of 18)

Distant future tickler file:

1) Shiloh Pitt and Suri Cruise - I can't wait to see the train wreck they are, all the drugs they're going to do, and all the guys they're going to allow enter them. That being said, it should be fun to have a romp with Shiloh or Suri once they get to 18, just because.

2) Matilda Ledger - Since her daddy's dead, she's going to have serious issues. Any time a woman has daddy issues, it's a sign that she's good to go, once she's legal.

All about BBW's

The BBW is known for many things. For one, they are big, often times bigger than two or three men combined, and their appetite, is quite voracious. Legend has it, that one BBW sucked off 14 men in 5 minutes and didn't even break a sweat.

So anyways, here is some information about BBW's, what to do with them, where to find them, and of course how to use them for your personal advantage:

1) Where do I find a BBW?

Answer: You can find BBW's at any restaurant where large quantities of food are available for low prices. (BBW's rarely have good jobs because they eat too much at work) Some popular hangouts for BBW's include Hometown Buffet, Olive Garden, Denny's, and IHOP just to name a few.

2) Should I get seriously involved with a BBW?

Answer: Not unless you have serious self esteem issues. A BBW will make even the nerdiest man's stock decline worse than Lehman Brothers. A BBW is a 2-5 er. You see them at 2 AM, recieve fellatio at 3 AM, penetrate and spooge in her at 4 AM, and you're out of her house by 5 AM.

3) What kind of activities should I engage in with a BBW?

Answer: Anything dirty and sexual. You may find it hard to ask that southern belle permission for you to drop a steamer on her, but a BBW would take it as a great honor to have a load dropped on her. After all, a BBW yearns for a man's attention, so you can act out all your fetishes on her - want you salad tossed? BBW will do that! Want to give someone a golden shower? BBW will gladly bathe in your fluids!. Just remember - a BBW is a 2-5 er.

4) Should I give a present to a BBW?

Answer: Normally, when you give a woman a gift, it is for entrance into her golden temple, but when you meet a BBW, you're guaranteed entry so no need for a big present. Take a case of twinkies or some Suzy-Q's and she'll suck you off double time. Don't spend any unnecessary money on BBW's. Save your money for important things like crack, MD 20/20 and doobies.

5) How should I introduce myself to a BBW?

Answer: Make up your name, identity and occupation. If your name is Malcolm McCurry, to a BBW, introduce yourself as JaJuan Crosby. When you call her, call from a pre-paid cell phone and remember, wearing a condom is for chumps. Your protection is your false name and identity.

Friends, when nailing a BBW, just remember, no socks, no watch, and no leaving your green glasses behind. Once you do that, the BBW can provide you hours of fun. Just don't do something stupid like taking care of her kids or letting her know where you (really) live.

The different stages of poon

Phil's readers, I present to you, a great way to put your "prospects" in stages. For instance, if you're in sales, you make a list of people your are in the process of selling. A good salesman like Fernando Lunarzano or Malcolm James McCurry has a lot of prospects that are on the cusp of closing, where as a not-so-good salesman like Vicki the Robot might have a lot of prospects who will never close.

It made me wonder, with the help of Fernando Lunarzano and Malcolm James McCurry, if it is possible to create stages of women, to gather important data such as the probability and date of close.

Stage 1: Fingered the girl while she is sober and knows it is you - This is a nice forbearing for poon. If you can finger a girl without sneaking your hand in there, and she is sober, you're getting closer to nailing her. Potential of closing - 10%

Stage 2: Received a blow job - Once you put her in the blow job stage, the only way you're messing this up is if you accidentally blurt out that you have Herpes. If she knowingly sucks your dick, you have a higher chance of nailing her. Potential of closing - 35%

Stage 3: Face f*cking her - If you successfully fingered a girl and got a blow job, if you're not closing the deal, you need to move her up to stage three. Again, you just face f*ck her until you are drained, and don't be a dumbass and blurt out that you got chlymidia when you were 13. Potential of closing - 58%

Stage 4: Insertion of the tip - If you put the tip in, you're almost there. Some sluts need a little extra buttering, but if you get the tip in there and she makes you pull out, this is where a little persuasion or party favors might come in handy. Nevertheless, if she asks you to leave, you don't want to be accused of sexual assault, as that is illegal. At this stage, you go home, you bring some party favors, and next time, you're in! Potential of closing - 82%

State 5: Whore closed - This is when you stick the tip in and she allows you full entrance. Remember, once you're in, allow yourself time to use her like the slut she is. You're a fool if you tell her your real name, or allow her to know anything factual about you, as you are not using a condom. Your protection is telling her false information. Once you've closed the deal, move on, and put her in the "done" file.

Exceptions to the rule:

1) BBW's - there is no need to put the BBW in a stage. They are there to perform fellatio and be a recepticle for your spooge as needed. When you call her, make sure it's from someone else's phone.

2) Family members you're related to, not by blood - no point putting your step sister in a stage. If you can get it done, just do it. In this situation, please, I implore you, to wear a condom.

3) If you get to stick it in right away, just do it. No point letting a hoe marinate for a few stages if she's ready today.

You need to have more girls in stages 4 &5 than in 1-3, and if you do, you're guaranteed poon all the time. Remember the following though: don't reveal any information about yourself, and you're good to go!

Happy Halloween!

What women should wear on Halloween

Look at this:



If you're a straight male, tell me I'm wrong for wanting every decent - to - hot looking woman dress like this on Halloween. It sure would make crotch grabbing a lot easier.

Halloween Edition of "You might be homosexual if..."

All those out in Phil's land, Halloween is coming up, which means it's a great time to dress up, but keep in mind, that you don't want people thinking you're homosexual if you wear a certain costume and act a certain way on October 31st

I present to you, the 2008, "You might be homosexual if....Halloween Edition:"

1) You take a condom to a halloween party - we all know that if you're disguised, you get a mulligan on unprotected sexual intercourse. Men who have protected sex with women, while disguised are definitely homosexual.

2) You don't give women party favors at the halloween party - when you're disguised, might as well get a mulligan on party favor distribution too.

3) You dress up as He-Man, Shera, or Skeletor and probe men with your "sword"

4) Keeping with the above theme, you and your heterosexual friend come dressed up as Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee and play with each other's "Gandaulf"

5) You "yaaaaaaaooooooow" a man at a halloween party and don't apologize

6) You come dressed up as any of the following: a pixie, a fairy, a naughty nurse, or an Emo Kid.

7) If you see a drunk woman and don't partake in a love session with her and 3 friends

Since I don't engage in many halloween parties, this is a short list, but a good one, to keep in mind what to do to ensure that you do not become homosexual on halloween. After all, there are certain people that think homosexuals do not deserve rights.

How to be fabulous - in 2008

With the economy in shambles, and gays and metrosexuals at war over who should be shopping at rail at Nordstrom, here are some tips for being fabulous, while not breaking the bank:

1) Carry a shoulder strap knockoff Louis Vuitton or Burberry man-bag
2) Don't own a credit card, just say Cash!
3) Grow your own wheatgrass and aloe vera for breakfast juices
4) Cocoa butter lotion to keep your skin smooth
5) Watching Romance movies after work in your VHS player, like "When Harry met Sally," "Sleepless in Seattle," and "Steel Magnolias."
6) Having a little oriental boy at your side at all times
7) Making your own mixtapes
8) Saying “Ciao” or “Toodles” instead of Good Bye
9) Growing your bangs so you can push them off to the side by tilting your head
10) Ordering White Wine at happy hour

With this short list, no matter if you're gay or metrosexual, you will always be fabulous!

How to behave at a rave

Friends of Phil's blog, I have been to a rave or two in my youth, and I have behaved badly at said rave, so reflecting on past experiences, I present to you, ways to behave at a rave so that you conduct yourself in a matter acceptable for society. After all, I have 8 years raving experience.

1) Hooking up at a rave: Make sure that if you decide to have sexual relations with someone at a rave, that you use protection. Using protection includes, but is not limited to a mask, a blindfold, someone else's jacket, or anything you can do to disguise yourself so when said drunk/high sexual companion comes to, they won't know who spooged inside them.

2) Group sex: When you're at a rave, music is flowing, and a lot of women might be drunk, so this is the easiest way to go if you and your friends want to bond over a woman. The easiest way to do this would be to find a drunk girl and tell her you have some liquid ecstacy. Once she's sitting down and ready, get her bukkake style. After she's covered in spooge, get the choo choo ready.

3) Drugs at a rave: This is illegal, so don't do drugs.

4) Talking to girls at a rave: Everybody knows that the girls at raves come for 2 reasons; to get high, and to fuck as many guys as possible. If you see a girl at a rave with her boyfriend/husband, knock him senseless and then Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaow! (see previous blog) the girl. After that, she's sucking you dry. Remember, wear protection. (See #1) Girls respect men who are willing to manhandle them, if you will.

5) Dancing at a rave: Make sure you're dancing in a crowded area, wearing protection, and grab as many women as you can, crotch, breasts, ass, you name it. Since they don't know who you are, you're coping - a -feel completely free, and since you are disguised, you get a mulligan.

If you follow my instructions on behaving at a rave, you are guaranteed to have a great time. If you have a suggestion, keep it to yourself. Don't tell me how to do my job.

You might be black if....

Friends in Phil's denimwarehouse land, we are going to have a black president soon, but what does it take to be black? Realizing this, I did some research with my good friends, Malcolm James McCurry, and Fernando Tecaterzano, and they gave some attributes of what makes someone black. After reading this list, look in the mirror. You might be black if...

- you're either been to, know someone from, or have heard about the city of Detroit.

- your refrigerator contains a pitcher full of Kool-Aid and/or a 6 pack of Welch's Grape Soda

- a staple item in your diet is fried chicken

- you own any of the following: a velvet jumpsuit, a Steve Harvey collection suit, lugz, cross colors t-shirts, or a jersey from a black NBA player

- you sing slow jams while walking in a public place

- you have had sexual relations once (or more) with an overweight white woman

- you have pounded a 40-dogg of Schlitz malt liquor, or Olde English "800"

- you like fine tobacco products like KOOL cigarettes and Swisher sweets

- you want "In Living Color" back in the late night TV lineup

If you can identify with any of the aforementioned, then you, dear readers, might be black.... One more test; can you understand the following: "Who creepin up in dis Mug?"

Ways to save time and money

In today's world, dear readers, we are pressed because of our lack of sufficient funds, time, and a growing global crisis. If you have to take on a 2nd job, or need to cut back because your bills are starting to pile up, here are some time saving & money saving tips:

1) Use the shower for more than bathing: Yes it's true, you can brush your teeth, shave your beard, and even take your morning poo. Think about it, you can force the poo down the drain, and then you can wash your derriere rather than killing trees for toilet paper. If your drain is not wide enough for said poo, you can remove your drain cap and make the poo move down the drain with some drain-o.

2) When masturbating, you can use your pre cum and semen for more than starching a tube sock. If you have anything that needs to be glazed, like some unfinished porcelain or wood, a thin layer of semen can work just as well. After you collect the ejaculate in a pail or saucer, you can take a brush and paint it on the porcelain object you are trying to glaze, and voila! You've just saved both money and time. Be sure to wash the brush, because a woman can impregnate herself if there is semen on the brush.

3) When you're having sex with a fat woman, if at her place, after you are done receiving copious amounts of fellatio and having your pipes drained (as what the fatties are good for) instead of wasting time expelling urine in a toilet, just do what you need to do on her bed. It'll be so wet with her sweat, she probably won't know any different. Just make sure you don't leave your condom behind, because she can remove your "seed" from the condom.

4) When you sweat, collect the excess persperation in a canteen. This can save you money on lube, whether it's for jacking yourself, your friend, or fingering a girl you meet at a party. Rather than using your hard earned money for vaseline or lotion, save it. You'll be surprised if you collect sweat, how much money can be saved over the course of a year. Use the excess savings on party favors for parties. Legal ones, of course.

Dear readers this is just a short list of what to do to save money or time. Other ideas are out there, but you need to come up with some ingenuity. Since I do all of the above, I can afford to invest in the down-trodden stock market and buy useless things, like deoderant.

A bad term that is a good thing

Let's be honest, we all want a woman to suck our balls. Therefore, it is now my decree, that the term "suck balls," is a good thing.

Here is a great way to use the term "suck balls."

Malcolm: Shit foo, that was one hell of a steak.
Fernando: Joo know it ay!
Malcolm: Foo, it sucked balls
Fernando: Que? Tha's not good, sucking balls.
Malcom: You better recognize foo! Don't you want some pigeon suckin yo balls and shit?
Fernando: Si se puede!

How can sucking balls be bad? The following things (a few) suck balls:

1) Vagina
2) Tits
3) Blindfolded encounters
4) Filet Mignon

Myspace - by Phil

My dear readers, I realize that my blog, over the last few days, has not lived up to your expectations. With an apology and a pulsating and erect penis, I vow to you, that the denim warehouse will be back, with a vengeance.

My topic today is myspace, the online portal, not the space between a woman's legs, which is used for a penis.

Keep in mind, I'm only blogging about what I would do if I had a myspace - I've never had one - the online portal, that is.

1) My picture would be something that would attract women, fat, thin, black, white, they're all welcome to contact me. I'd wear nothing but animal skins and I'd be holding bags of money.

2) I would send dirty messages to girls of all ages, 14 and up, because it's a numbers game. I would include the things I want to do them, like spooge in their mouths, have copious amounts of fellatio performed on me, and stick my fingers up their ass.

3) Fat girls would get special attention from me. Every fat girl would get a message saying I want to take them to Olive Garden for the never ending pasta bowl. After dinner, I would give them a never ending salad to toss.

4) If a girl has a picture of herself with anything in her mouth - lollipop, popsicle, cigarette, crack pipe, straw, etc, I would send her a photo of my penis, as it's only natural that her mouth is used for sucking me off. Anytime a woman puts something in her mouth, she is down...

5) If a girl says she's Christian, I'd tell her that I want to talk religion with her, and try to meet her for a meeting, and I'd definitely bring party favors. Once she's ready to party, I'd pound her hard and make her call my name.. "God"

This is what I would do if I had a myspace - my personal opinion is that all (not some) girls on myspace are DTF, with anyone. If they were selective, then there would be no need for myspace, just herspace, aka a vagina.

Hooking up with the family members of your friends

Keeping true to the theme of hooking up with family, I've decided to branch out, to the idea of hooking up with the family members of friends. Seeing that "Pussy is Pussy," "Ass is ass," and a "mouth is a mouth," it doesn't matter whether it is a random slut from a bar, your friend's mom, your step-mom, or if you're wearing a blindfold, a man, so if your friend's mom is DTF, go on in. Just remember there are some things to think about before spooging in your friend's mom.

1) Make sure that your friend's relative(s) is/are above 18, or the age of consent in the state in which you live. I do not condone having intercourse with people below the age of 18 - it is illegal.

2) Do not, I repeat do not, hook up with your friend's wife. No matter how much of a hoe your friend's wife is, it will most likely cause a rift in your friendship. If your friendship is on the rocks, then fine, go for it, but you have to make sure your friend's wife is DTF. One way to find out if she's down to party, is to give her a massage. Start with the shoulders, then move down to the lower back. If you can massage her clit, you're in. Again, this is wrong, I don't recommend it. However, if you do decide to engage in intercourse with a friend's wife, make sure you wear protection.

3) A friend's sister is always a good source for a quick booty call. Again, make sure she's over 18. You never want to get into a compromising situation with someone below the age of consent. If you have a friend who has a hot sister, you can always see if she's DTF by her track record. A lot of girls these days, like to enjoy a party favor, like booze, doobies, or smoking crack. If she does any of the above, just bring some party favors, and once she takes them, your penis is as good as in (her mouth). Make sure your friend doesn't find out, this might create a rift between the two of you.

4) If your friend has an aunt that is approaching 50, this might be a place where you want to insert your little buddy. Women who are approaching, or at 50 are DTF when it comes to a man who is significantly younger. In order to pull this off, you need to be a bit of a sleuth, as you have to figure out where said friend's aunt lives, where she works, what her schedule is, and where she normally goes for lunch. After doing the above, "randomly" meet her at the restaurant where she goes for lunch, and say to her "Oh hi, you're Fernando's aunt Consuela, right?" If she says yes, invite her to have a drink with you, and if she touches your knee or gives you a hug after lunch, you know what comes (no pun intended) next.

5) Your friend's mom, again is a source for poon, but this is going to be a little tricky because she most likely is married to your friend's dad. Most people do not want to be billed as a homewrecker, but if you don't care about your repuation, or about your friend's feelings about nailing the aforementioned friend's mother, this can be done in two ways:

a) Finding out your friend's mom's church, if she's religious. You attend a service or two and "surprisingly" bump into her. After she sees your religious side, you ask her to meet with you one-on-one to talk about your love of Allah, Jesus, etc. I mean, how threatening can that be. You can bring up a story about how you're trying to find god, and cry a little. If she puts her arm around you, and hugs you, and you're able to cop a feel, you're getting some not-so-forbidden poon.

b) If your friend's mom likes a certain type of music, whether is be gangsta rap, R&B, soul, etc, you can surprise her with a mixtape of that type of music. If she listens to it when you're over, you can enhance the mood with some party favors. Once she gets some libations in her system, she'll start dancing, and that's when you offer to take her to her bedroom. Offer to give her a massage, and you know what follows..

Make sure if you're going to nail your friend's mom, you do it when no one is around. This is by far the worst thing you can do..

I almost feel a little bad for writing this, but now I can absolve myself of any wrongdoing, by saying that I do not condone hooking up with my friend's family members, regardless of how hot they are. It's not illegal, but there are some ramifications. That being said, if you know they're DTF, might as well be you than some random stranger.

Getting "some" from family members that you are related to, not by blood

A special thanks to Malcolm McCurry, the driving force behind today's blog.

Readers, before you decide to delve into today's blog, please understand that I do not condone sexual relations with family members that I am related to by blood. That of course is incest, which is illegal in the United States. (Except Alabama)

I recently found out, about a year ago, that I have a cousin, (through my uncle's 2nd marriage) who is an Indian Adult film actress. When I went to India last year, I got to meet her and I instantly wanted to get with her. She was pretty damn hot. I began to ponder the ethics of this being right or wrong.

Now, before you decide that you want to engage in sexual intercourse with a family member, related by marriage, not blood, you have to make sure that they are down to party, because you do not want to be the topic of discussion at the next family cookout. This brings me to a few things to think about, before you decide to lube up and insert.

1) Have they shown interest in you? When you are at the family cookout, does (insert name here - provided there is no blood relationship) their eyes gaze at your crotch? When they pat your back, do they seductively touch your derriere? Have you ever sat down with let's say Auntie Phyllis, who is Uncle Ted's (your dad's brother) second wife, and she offers you a blowjob? If that's the case, you're in.

2) Have you ever walked in on them? This might be a little hard, but if you've ever walked in on a relative that you're related to, not by blood, and seen them in a compromising situation, and they laugh it off, you might be in. Next time you're at a relative's house, and you see your hot cousin (again, no blood relation) about to take a shower, find a way to jimmy the lock, so when she's in the restroom, you accidentally walk in. If you offer her a hand, or to join her in a steamy session, and she says yes, strap up, cowboy.

3) Have you ever slow danced with them? At a wedding, bar-mitzvah, or anniversay party, your hot aunt, related through marriage may have asked to dance with you, because her husband is a little too old to dance. If you say yes, and she embraces you and touches you between the legs, this might be the easiest way to get some forbidden poon. Once your little buddy gets hard, ask her to come to your room for some drinks. After the first libation, slowly run your hand up her dress. If you hear her moan, you're getting a blowjob.

4) Have you ever heard them talk about...? Often times, the easiest access to forbidden poon is right under our roof! If your dad gets remarried, and the product of your marriage gives you a step sister, or a hot step mother, why not try to hit that? Let's say you hear your step mom and step sister talking about sex, and they quickly get all hot in the cooch, this might be your easiest entry ever. Just go up to your step sister, and say "I heard you talking to mom about XXXXX, and I can teach you what I know." Most women will not agree at first, but a little gentle persuasion, and some party favors, and she'll be down to do anything. Just make sure that you wear protection, because I don't think society looks positively upon Step brothers and step sisters making babies, even if I think it's okay. Getting with your step mom might be a little harder (no pun intended), but it's possible. If your dad and step mom have a fight, just go up to your step mom and try to console her, telling her that you'd treat her right. Put your arm around her and gently push her head down to your lap, so her mouth is you-know-where. If she's receptive to you undoing your fly and she gives you some oral pleasure, you know what's coming up next.

Again, dear readers, this is by no means acceptable or appropriate, but I am no judge of morality. Therefore, if you want to do it, by all means, do it! Just remember, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH BLOOD RELATIVES...it is illegal.

Great ways (and not so great) ways to please yourself

A special thanks to Fernando, the genius often times behind the denim warehouse.


As a man, a man filled with testosterone, I sometimes have to go through great lenghts to get pleasure. Yes, I think a hot woman's vagina or mouth is the way to go, but sometimes, even I, dear reader strike out, and must partake in alternate methods of "release." Here are a few great ideas, and some godawful ones to get the job done..


1) Hand action: This is probably the most conventional idea, and hence the easiest. Take your right hand and put some lubricant, such as vaseline, sweat, pre-cum, or vegetable oil, and then wrap it around your penis, and stroke, stroke away. Just make sure you have a tube sock or ziploc bag to collect the evidence, as you don't want your semen on the floor. A woman out for some cash can use a dipstick and take your semen from the floor, and impregnate herself.


2) The crevice between a mattress and box spring: If you insert your penis in correctly, this can be quite satisfying, as it mirrors the tightness of a 13-year old girl. You can thrust back and forth between the two and the tightness would make even the most flaccid man spooge. Be sure that you are alone when you do this, and no one sits on the bed - as this can cause quick castration.


3) The hose of a vacuum cleaner: This is NOT a great idea, but if you have a vacuum with great suction, like a Dyson or ShopVac has great suction, and hence can be used for a blow-job type action, though it might be a little bit on the dry side. If you're going to use the hose of a vacuum cleaner, make sure you lubricated your little buddy, again with some sweat, vaseline, or pre-cum, otherwise the hose may chafe the skin or your penis.

4) Someone's mouth: Provided you don't care, and you're wearing a blindfold, you can use any mouth available; man, woman, animal, who cares? With a blindfold, you can claim ignorance, so you're essentially absolved from a future claim of being gay. The only problem is if the person sucking you off has the GC, then you might get it, but again, if you're wearing a blindfold, then all is good.

5) The resident fat girl: Sadly, dear readers, your author has done his fair share of the fat girls. I think I had a rotation of 4 or 5 at one time, because before I was the resident master of the Denim Warehouse, I had a .100 batting average, but I was a much better hitter when it came to the fatties. Yes, I had a little self respect when pounding the resident fat girl, but at least I was satisfied.

There are so many ways to please yourself, dear readers, but this is my list. Please feel free to submit suggestions, as I will take them under advisement. Enjoy pleasuring yourself, it's your duty!

The Do's and Dont's of hooking up at an office party

As the holiday season approaches, many of you, my dear readers will be attending a holiday soiree, a party as Christmas, Hannakuah, and Kwaanza approach. At said holiday party approaches, there might be an opportunity to hook up with that female from HR. Never passing on an opportunity for poon, here are some simple Do's and Dont's to ensure that you are guaranteed entrance into an unsuspecting co-worker after the party.

Do's

1)Go to the holiday party alone so you're not stuck taking your date home and not getting fellatio from her (your date)
2)Keep some party favors in your car in case the heavy set party girl from IT wants you to come over
3)Refrain from wearing socks and a watch - after nailing that hoe in the IT department, do you really want to leave behind evidence of last night's "after party?
4) Arrive late - you want the Hoes from your company to marinate before you take advantage of the situation
5) Try to get at someone in a position of authority - if they get on all fours, it translates to a promotion
6) Keep a rubber and lube in your pocket, in case a female coworker wants to hook up at the party
7) Keep a souvenier of your holiday party escapades, like her panties from that night, or a sex toy stolen from her room

Dont's

1) Try to hook up with married woman - her husband (who is probably at the office party) might have an issue with you wanting to finger said married woman.
2)Show up to the office party in your own car - in case you take a drunk girl home and drop a steamer on her, you don't want her identifying you by your car's VIN #, color, or License plate frame color.
3) Cockblock a co-worker who is clearly trying to hook up with the heavyset woman in the IT department. This will bite you in the ass later.
4)Nail a co-worker sans condom - how would you like to pay child support in house?
5) Stay at said female co-worker's house overnight...do what needs to be done, and get the hell out of there, before she figures out who you are.
6)Leave behind evidence - make sure you take your shoes, used condom, lube, party favors, and anything else that can be traced back to you
7) Arrive to the party early - you want to swoop in on the unsuspecting women - be the mysterious latin lover who is going to get fellatio.

I am a proponent of office party hookups, if it is limited to that - no inter office romance, no flowers, just use the female coworker for her best three attributes; her mouth, ass, and vagina.

Slow Jam - Phil Style

Oooo-Oooo-Oooo-Oooo

Girl, you make me want to penetrate you
Fuck you doggy style while drinkin Mountain Dew
I want to stick it inside
Get on my dick girl, come take a ride

Girl I want to fuck you so much
Suck my dick girl put your mouth on it as such
I want to bend you over the hood of my car
Or spread yo' ass in the back of a bar

Girl, you make me want to penetrate you
Oooo-Oooo-Oooo-ooo-ooo-Oooo
Stop talking girl and use your mouth where it goes
South of my belt but above my knees and toes

You fine hoe I want to dip my dick in your hole
While we be gettin high from smokin a bowl
I want you to teabag me on my boat
I'll make you squeal like a billy goat

Girl, you make me want to penetrate you
I want to turn you into an obediant betty Sue
You're going to be my poon slave
I'll back hand you if you misbehave

State of the Poon Address

Gentlemen of Phil's Blog:

I come to you with issues plaguing men across this fine world. Problems which broads everywhere rather than helping men address them, are just making them worse as time goes on.

Remember the days when you married a woman and you got a field of land and some cows as your dowry? I dream of a day when we can own our women and tell them what to do, what hole we want to put it in, and what we want sucked, and when. If you tell a woman the words blow and job in the same conversation, you're facing a sexual harrassment lawsuit followed by a scarlett letter on your chest.

I long for the halcyon days when grabbing a woman's crotch was legal. You could stick your hand between her legs and yell "Yaaaaaaaaaaoooow," and she would show her appreciation by giving you a hand job. Now if you look at a woman's crotch, you're going to jail for sexual assault. No wandering eyes! That means you!

Back in the good old days, if you hired a secretary, it was the same as having a mistress. You could tell your secretary what to do, and after she went under the desk to give you a management style hummer, she brought you a cup of coffee and some donuts. Now you can't even look at your secretary without wondering if that bitch is going to get you fired for thinking about her size 14 ass. Look...ass is another pussy.

Don't even get me started on having sex with girls that took too much G, Liquor, or Cocaine and decided to pass out. How inconsiderate of them to do such a misdeed. In the days of yore, you could totally spooge in a girl who passed out, and it was considered a badge of honor for multiple guys to release their semen in said girl. Now, if you look at a girl who is passed out and even get a hard on from thinking about releasing inside her, you're looking at a rape charge.

Dear gentlemen of Phil's blog, I worry that as time goes on, even missionary intercourse will become illegal. I sometimes wake up with a woody and in a cold sweat and I think when will I get convicted for having an erection in public.

Till then...Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooow! Siiiiiiiiiiit on my faaaaaaaaaaaaaace!

How/Where to have sex with a woman while at a party

Often times, the author of this blog likes to go for an occasional soiree, where there might be a person of the opposite sex. Said person of the opposite sex may decide to imbibe herself in a cocktail or two, and at the end of the night, she is *ahem, DTF. Down to fornicate.

There are certain considerations one needs to take before deciding to fornicate with a woman who has imbibed herself in a few libations.

1) Make sure when she is about to fellate you, that you're not wearing a Rolex or Cartier watch. I've heard of stories where a woman is sucking off some man and steals his watch and places it in her snatch. Unless you want to be out a few thousand dollars, put the Rolex away first.

2) If you're going to nail her in a house, make sure the house has no distinctive features; i.e: the only pink house on a street with brick houses, or a palm tree in the front, etc. A girl who is being nailed sans condom (which is the only way to go) may remember one distinct feature about the house, and trace her steps, and soon KaBoom! You're nailed for impregnating her or giving her Syphillis.

3) Make sure you have no distinct features. No cornrows (if you're African American), if you are wearing a sombrero or poncho (if you're Mexican), if you have a fu-man-chu (Chinese) or a turban (Indian) get rid of it on the double. A girl might find cornrows or a sombrero endearing and attractive, but once you spooge inside her, that feature might be all she remembers you by. Just imagine this conversation: (RG = Random girl, RGF = Random girl's friend)

RG: I think I be pregnant
RGF: By who, girlfriend?
RG: By some scrub with a sombrero I met at the party
RGF: Damn girl! Fernando owns a sombrero
RG: I gots to get paid!

Poor Fernando is going to get nailed for 18 years of child support

4) Next to a car is good. See you don't want to get inside a girl, inside your car for two reasons. The first being that you don't want your car to smell like a stripper pole, and the second being that a girl might write down your VIN number and text it to her friends. Once you impregnate her, all she has to do is go to the DMV and boom, she knows who you are and you're done for 18 years. Just nail her against the wall by a car, and point to some other unsuspecting fool's car to her. Let some sucker pay her child support.

If you're not finding any drunk girls, it's okay. Just go to a crowded section of the dance floor and Yaaaaaaoooow all night long. If you grab a few crotches, one might actually want to grab yours back. Foo!

The Ethics of Fornicating with a woman who is diseased

When a man, like myself craves poon, he has a rolodex of women to choose from, but there is that occasional time, or two, where the women on said rolodex are busy, probably getting reamed in the derriere by some other man. That being said, if I'm desperate to release some spooge, and I don't feel the desire to spit game, might I suggest flagrante delicto with a woman with a disability. After all, it was said by Steve Stiffler in American Wedding, that Pussy is Pussy. I concurr, Mr. Stiffler.

1) A woman who is suffering from cancer is the easiest choice in my book. They're normally bald, and pale from all the drugs they're taking. A lot of times a woman who has cancer is also infertile, so you can do her sans condom and you probably won't get her pregnant. Most cancer patients are hairless too, so it's a guarantee that her skin is baby soft. In the event she can have kids, getting her to have an abortion would be damn easy. Who the hell wants a radioactive mutant as a child?

2) Try a woman who suffers from epilepsy. While she's prone to having a seizure, her pussy is probably extra tight since she is devoid of regular action. Again, you can probably get away with nailing her sans condom, since she probably has bigger problems to worry about, than your name. I would avoid receiving oral sex from her though, because if she has a seizure, she might bite your little buddy. Bukakke is always an option though.

3) For those of you who are into additional risk, might I suggest an amputee? Imagine nailing a woman with no legs, or missing an arm and a leg, or with a glass eye. So many places to put your spooge. I would love to spooge in a woman's eye socket, and feel her orbital bone with my penis. You can nail a girl who is missing a leg, let's say, and once you're done, run off with her prosthetic leg, and sell it for some weed, or G.

4) Single mothers are the most diseased out there, however. They are the easiest by far, and they have the biggest disease in the world, a bastard child. With this group, a condom is required, because they will take your seed and bring your bastard child into the world. Again, this is fun because you can use them for what they are, pure sluts.

5) Women with parkinson's disease are great because they're always shaking. It's like a little extra pulsation when you insert your penis into her vaginal area. Since she's always shaking, you probably get yours a little faster, plus you can probably pass her on to your friends while she's shaking and it's like a free for all. Everyone gets their rocks off and no one has to spend a lot of money on dinner.

There are a lot of disabilities out there. but the 5 mentioned above are probably the most fun to nail. I think if you really want to pull off a trifecta, do a single mom who suffers from epilepsy with a glass eye. Spooge in the bitch's eye foo! You dig!

Great places to bust a nut on a woman

It has come to my attention that while wearing a condom ensures you do not produce any unwanted progeny, you lose the pleasure of busting a nut inside a woman. Unless of course you are fornicating with a post-menopause, or a pre-pubescant female. I'm not going to go into the dilemma one faces if choosing to fornicate with a pre-pubescant female, other than, it is illegal. In the case of a post-menopause woman, you would have to deal with the obvious; the woman has more miles than that 1982 Toyota Cressida you see on the 134.

Here are some common (and not so common) places where you can bust a nut on (or in) a woman and not have to deal with a bastard child 9 months later.

1) Mouth: This is an obvious choice. There is no better place than spewing semen in a woman's mouth. It's warm, it's wet, and it's almost like a vagina, less the tightness, but if you want the semen to be swallowed, then it's the best place. Stick your penis in far enough, and it's guaranteed your spooge will be swallowed.

2) Eye: The shanghai shooter, my personal favorite. Take a load off, so to speak, in a woman's eye. It takes precision, but think about it, you'll be the guy she always talks about. Random girl to her friend: "Did you know XXXXX made me blind because he spooged in my eye!" Yaaaaow!

3) Ear: I don't know why you would do this, but if you want to talk shit about a girl after you finish fornicating with her, some delicately placed spooge in her ear may do the trick. Using enough precision, one can pull this off, and while she's wondering what went into her ear, you can proceed to call her a skank, trick, hoe, or skeezer.

4) Ass Crack: If you're not a fan of mud, the ass crack may not be your forte, but if you enjoy getting "down and dirty," some spooge in, or on the ass crack might be just what that hoe needs. It's not necessarily the most unique place to spooge, but it works.

Obviously, there are numerous places one can release on a woman, but these are just a few. Just remember, once you spooge, a timely Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaow must be done, otherwise, you can just get the steppin!

What the blacks like and dislike

As a specialist on many things, one thing I know a lot about, is the blacks. I am well versed on things that the blacks like and dislike.

My good friend, Malcolm James McCurry has offered me some insight as well, into what the blacks like, and of course what their aversions are.

Things the blacks like:

1) The McRib Sandwich
2) Kool Menthol Cigarettes/Newport Menthol Cigarettes
3) Vanilla Ice
4) Karl Kani, Cross Colors, and Fubu
5) Lugz
6) Doo Rags
7) Timberland shoes
8) Jazz the dancing robot
9) Break dancing in public places
10) "Fade" Hair cuts
11) Names like Shanaye-Naye, Laqueesha, Lucious, Otis, Antwaan, etc
12) Fried chicken
13) Watermelon
14) MD 20/20
15) Carl from the Simpsons
16) Big white chicks who wear tight pants
17) Velvet Jumpsuits

Things the blacks dislike:

1) Alfonso Ribiero
2) Paying child support
3) Steve Urkel
4) Snapple
5) Names like Cody, Skip, Bradford, Ross, etc
6) Seared Ahi Tuna
7) Clove Cigarettes
8) Smirnoff Ice
9) Hair parted down the middle
10) Tardy "Public Assistance" checks
11) Black women
12) A bad "Fade"
13) Nappy headed hoes
14) 10-gallon hats
15) Wrangler Jeans
16) Bryant Gumbel
17) Donovan McNabb

This is not an all inclusive list, just a few of the likes and dislikes of the blacks.

The Gay Cancer

May we take a moment of silence in honour of those who we have lost due to the Gay Cancer. (Heads Bowed)

1) Denholm Elliot
2) Freddie Mercury
3) Easy - E
4) Arthur Ashe
5) Issac Asimov
6) Robert Reed (Dad from the Brady Bunch)
7) Rock Hudson
8) Tom Fogarty (From CCR, the band)
9) Liberace

The list is longer than the above mentioned nine, but your dear author worries that he may receive some sort of negative karma for mentioning 10 or 11 people who have died by way of the Gay Cancer.

You can avoid the Gay Cancer by not using water fountains, touching door knobs, and not eating at a restaurant with a salad bar, to avoid touching plastic serving utensils.

Ziploc Bag vs. Tube Sock vs. Kleenex

As I'm sure you know by now, I am of the gender male, and I occasionally like to stroke my penis for self gratification. When stroking one's penis, the problem often arises of where to put the (how do I say this lightly) semen? Especially when I am self gratifying myself in the bed. That being said, the best place to put one's penis is in a woman's vagina and/or mouth.


There really are three different mechanisms you can use to ensure that the semen does not leave a stain behind and I'm going go over some pros and cons over each one.


1) The Ziploc (or Glad) Plastic Bag: The obvious pro about using a Ziploc bag is simple. You can bag your semen to smear in a girl's hair at some later point in the day. Also, by "bagging" your semen, you can begin collecting it, for fun. That way, when a bitch gets out of line, you can make her swallow your stale semen or something to that nature. I also like the Ziploc bag because it is always something that is readily available, whether I am at home, at a friend's house, or on vacation. An obvious drawback to using a Ziploc bag is that they don't come cheap, often times a pack of 20 cost upwards of $4.00

2) The Tube Sock is great because you can find a tube sock anywhere you go. I'm not against starching a buddy's tube sock if I'm in the need to "choke the chicken" at their house, but then again, I can be a nice guy about it and just grab a Ziploc bag. It might look pretty weird asking a buddy for a Ziploc bag though. The sock is also great because it is a semi permiable object which would allow you to air your little buddy while jerking off. The problem with a tube sock though, is that if you neglect to put it in the hamper right after, if you put it on, you might have spooge on your foot.

3) Kleenex is cool because it is the cheapest way to go. A box of kleenex costs around $1.50 for a box of 100 so that's 50 times you can stroke the salami, assuming you use 2 kleenex tissues each time. Kleenex is also discrete because once you throw it away you're done with it. This is the best way to go, because whether you're in bed, in a restaurant, or at a picture show, when the urge arises, boom, you can get some kleenex and there you go, no semen stains on your pants. The biggest drawback of using kleenex is that if you run out, you have to resort to option 1 or 2, unless you have an endless supply of kleenex on hand.

I'm a big fan of the Ziploc bag, because i think it's the best way to spread spooge on a woman. Nothing like giving a woman bukkake with 3 day old semen. I think the Ziploc disbursal of semen works best when followed up with a Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaow!

Sit on my faaaaaaace

Sit on my faaaaaaace - by Phil Asheeyo Joe

Girl I want to tell you one thing
Your pussy makes me want to sing
Now let me slowly remove your thong
As I make you wet with this song

Sit on my faaaaaaace my sexy hoe
Your juices are surely to flow
Sit on my faaaaaaace let me suck on your cunt
Girl your pussy is what I yearn to hunt

Bitch your ass is so nice
It's the nicest thing since shrimp fried rice
Take off that whack ass dress
Let me suck on your pussy and take away your stress

Sit on my faaaaaaaace you fuckin slut
Let me lick your clit and then you suck on my nut
Sit on my faaaaaaace spread them butt cheeks
I can do this for a few weeks

Girl just let me know what I gotta do
To stick my dick into the hole from which you poo
All I want is to cum in your eye
Or Fuck you doggy style while eating some legs and maybe a thigh

Sex with women who have recently lost a relative

*Note: Names have been changed to protect the identity of my people..

I work with this gentleman by the name of Harrison*, and he told me that a few days ago this woman with whom he intimately fraternized with recently lost her grandmother. Of course it is always a sad day when a loved relative is lost, but when someone, like a grandmother dies, a new opportunity for poon is always created.

For instance, when Heath Ledger died, I totally wish I was in New York with Michelle Williams (the mother of his bastard child). I would have consoled her a little bit, and then as she was crying on my shoulder, I'd gently, yet firmly guide her head to my nether regions in hopes of getting some distraught woman fellatio. At bare minimum, I'd expect a handjob for being there to console her.

This brings me to the issue of Harrison*, a naive, but overall hoarse voiced guy I work with.. He doesn't want to go to the funeral of the woman whose grandmother died, and I think he's making a mistake. This is guaranteed fellatio in the bathroom of the church, which I'm sure will culminate in bending her over the open casket of grandma. Even if Harrison doesn't try, I'm sure he can guilt her into giving him a blumpkin. A nice blumpkin. I'd of course drop a steamer on a woman after the blumpkin.

If I were King

Sometimes, like any other red-blooded man, I dream of being King. If I become king, of course I would have some laws and rules. Rules that if not followed, would result in the death of those who do not follow them.

1) I must have my royal ribeye and a 40. The royal ribeye would be prepared in a barbeque manner topped with gorgonzola butter and a side of caviar. If the royal ribeye is cooked beyond medium, the chef in charge of preparing said ribeye will be beheaded.

2) In the morning, before assuming my throne, there must be 6 naked women on the royal lawn for my daily steamer. If I am not able to find 6 women to humour me with a place on their chest to drop the royal fecal matter, then 6 women will be summoned at random.

3) All women must surrender their vagina to a man upon request for entry of his penis. Their chest must be surrendered for the placement of a steamer. Optional entry point in a woman's body is the anus, however, if a man requests entrance through a woman's backside, she must grant it.

4) Any woman who does not grant entrance into her vagina or anus to a man is subject to the penalties of treason, resulting in death by the Heath Ledger method.

5) Taxes will be collected on the 8th of every month by a tax collected nominated by the royal tribunal. Men must pay their taxes to the tax collector in gold, cash, or both. Women will pay their taxes to me, the King, in the form sexual favors or a blumpkin while the King is on the royal commode.

6) When a woman requests a favor from a man, either sexual or non-sexual, if granted by the man, the woman must allow the man to grab her crotch in a manner which is both demeaning and erotic.

7) Any woman who does not obey the laws of my kingdom is subject to receiving bukkake from the royal tribunal, consisting of Malcolm, Fernando and Chang.

Women in the White House

So today we have the glorious news that Hilary Rodham Clinton, aka Psycho Cunt is dropping out of the election, as she lost the superdelegate race to one Hussain Barack Obama (Bin Laden).

When will women learn, there is no place for them in Politics?? Benazir Bhutto was assasinated I'm sure for a really good reason. She was a woman doing a man's job. As a ribeye and 40 oz loving man, I don't want a woman telling me how fast I can go in my car, what tax rate I should be held to, and what the age of consent is..16 all the way.

In the White House, the only places where a woman should be is under the president's desk on her knees, giving the president a blumpkin in the royal toilet, or on all fours getting stabbed in the anus. The presidential penis deserves some play in the mud sometimes.

If Hilary Clinton becomes president, will Bill Clinton be the first lady, and if so, will she be eaten out by some over zealous intern. I'd hazard a guess that she hasn't shaved her hoo-hoo since 1974. Imagine burying your face in that...Eech.

I barely trust women balancing a checkbook, or paying a bill on time. You really think I'd trust some hoe/cunt/slut/bitch/hoodrat/skank making laws, declaring wars, or telling me what hole I can put it in. Hell no!

Imagine a woman declaring war on Iraq because of her period. America would be the laughing stock of the world.

Ladies, as always, you are always welcome to sit on my faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!

Drunk sex

*Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of certain people

"I love nailing some drunk bitch, because I don't have to worry about putting the condom on, since she probably won't know me from all the other guys at a party." - Ray Sanchez*

Damn Ray, you are one crazy son of a bitch, but I agree with you on that. If I ever got over the ethics of having sex with a drunk woman, I would probably want to go bareback in her, because it's the only time you can bust a nut in a woman and not have to worry about her coming after you for 18 years of child support. I doubt the slut would even remember what happened the next morning.

I think more than anything, I would love the opportunity to finger the anus of a drunk woman, and do all the things that I am too timid to ask of a sober woman, like dropping a steamer, and asking her to give me a blumpkin. Not that I sit around and dream of getting a blumpkin all the time, but when I am coordinating a database conversion from ACT to our CRM, I catch myself wanting to drop some poo and have a woman suck me off. Since there is no sober woman I know of that would do it, I'm waiting for the day that I meet Drunk Debby at a party.

I'm going to my 10 year high school reunion this weekend. Either I'm going to mingle and go home with blue balls, or I'm going to get a blumpkin and finger the anus of the prom queen, class of '98.

One thing is for sure, some lucky drunk woman will be paid very generously. I'm taking $28.00 with me.

Deficating in public places

*Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of my readers

"Spreading feces on the ground is like spreading DNA in a woman's uterus, but when you poo on ground you don't have to pay that bitch 18 years" - Malcom James McCurry*

I enjoy taking a shit on a pretty regular basis. Sometimes, after I go to a fine dining establishment like El Torito or Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, all I want to do is go poo. Dropping the kids off to the pool, if you must.

But what about if you need to go poo and there is no public toilet available? Well my friends, might I introduce you to outdoor defectation. When I was a wee bit younger, a friend of mine poo-ed in a community garden, and felt he was simply fertilizing the tomatoes and green onions. At the time I was disgusted, but as I am a bit older now, and hence more classy, I should have crapped on the carrot plants. You are what you eat, after all.

A few weeks later, I went to a party to some guy's house who I didn't like. I removed the lid to his toilet tank and I yakked in there. A few other people followed suit. If I wasn't so chicken, I'd have taken a diarrhea in said toilet, but I'll save something for when I'm really in a bad mood.

What I fail to understand, is that if a woman is sucking off a guy, why she so freely ingests his semen, yet when she's rimming the anus of the same guy, she's so reluctant to eat his (ahem) poo. So hypocritical.

If I'm staying at some random girl's house, after a night of nailing her, if I have to go poo, I might be inclined to give her a good old Cleveland Steamer, because it's too much work to go to the bathroom and flush the toilet.

Deli Meat and Pussy

*Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of people in my blog

"Phil*, there are four times of Pussy in the world." - Ray*

"What do you mean, Ray*?"

"You have the big, the little, the roast beef, and the pastrami, Phil*"

"Do explain, Ray*!"

"Phil*, the big pussy is self explanatory, it's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Bitch is too loose, been passed around like joint on 420, little pussy is so tight, it's like a 5 year old boys anus, roast beef means it's nice and neat like a roast beef sandwich, and pastrami means it's all hanging out sloppy"

Damn, Ray* is one nasty son of a bitch.

This brings me to my take on the pussy. Yes, I know a woman with a big pussy might be the easiest lay of there, but I don't want to feel inadequate, because I doubt my manhood would give a slut like her any sensation. A woman with a small pussy is probably a virgin, but I love getting my manhood piled in that tightness. MMMMM. I like roast beef, especially the 5 sandwiches for $5 at Arby's, but I'm afraid that some girls hoo-hoo might smell like roast beef and bbq sauce. This takes me to the pastrami. Umm...I don't know if I'm down with nailing a woman who's poontang is hanging outside her body. I guess that would be an out of body experience.

I'll take me a small pussy with no cameltoe. Can you also throw in a side of fries? Maybe a vanilla shake?

Anal Fetishes

*Names have been changed to protect the identities of certain people

Rangoon Rimjob: Multiple Definitions

1) (N) The act of receiving analingus (having ones asshole eaten out) by a Burmese woman.

2) (Adj) Performing analingus in an anal cavity that mirrors Myanmar (Burma) after the cyclone that just hit there। (I.e: Lots of "mud")

I like ass. I am an ass man. Nothing makes me want a female more than a nice round ass. I work in sales, but sometimes, when I am prequalifying prospects for a CRM system, I think about burying my face in a big ass. For instance, a few days ago, I was walking back from lunch with Malcolm*, Leonard*, and Chang*, and we saw this woman with an amazing derriere. For the remainder of the day, all I thought about was motorboating that woman's ass. Yes, I know there is an element of mud involved, but sometimes, an ass man, like myself has to get down and dirty.

Occasionally, I want to take a woman's butt cheeks, if you will, and spread them apart, or as I refer to it, "Spreading that ass like butter on toast." I want to pull the right and left butt cheek apart, and stick my finger into said woman's anus. Yes, I enjoy the proper placement of my penis in a woman's sphincter, but if I'm busy and can't be bothered with full blown anal sex, I can get temporary pleasure by placing my index finger into her anus. I call that the muddy finger.

I find myself out at the mall, or out at a restaurant and I see a woman wearing tight jeans, I stare and get enveloped in her ass. Of course, when I stare, I am a dirty man, but I blame the woman for wearing tight clothes. I'll use this analogy: When I was a child, and my mom made cookies, she left them on the kitchen counter to cool. Of course I would sneak a cookie or two and eat them. It's the same thing with a woman in tight jeans. I'm going to want to bury my face in that ass and grab it. Willpower is for suckers.

Grabbing a woman's crotch

Yaaaaaaow!: Multiple definitions..

1) (Verb) The act of taking your right hand and making it into the shape of a "C," to be used to grab the crotch of a woman.

2) (Noun) The sound a man makes when he grabs a woman's crotch.

Yaaaaaaaow! I sometimes wish that grabbing a woman's crotch should be legal. There are scenarios where I believe Yaaaaaaow is necessary. For instance, when I am at a club or lounge and I'm flirting up a storm with an attractive female, a drink may be purchased for her, by me. Now, I'm not petty enough to ask for money from said female, but I would like the pleasure of grabbing her crotch.

When you're at a club or lounge and you're dancing with a girl, you're already feeling her backside, her breasts, so why not Yaaaaaaaow. It should be legal in such a situation.

How to perform Yaaaaaaaaow:

1) See definition # 1

2) Reach between the woman's legs and grab, keeping your hand in the "C" position.

3) See definition #2

Repeat steps 1-3 as needed.

Spooging in a woman's eye

Shanghai Shooter: (N) It's when you can bust a nut with such precision that it gets in an Asian woman's eye.

See, the Asian woman has a smaller sized eye, so to pull off the Shanghai Shooter, you have to use your scope when you're about to bust said nut.

I've always been intrigued when I go to a mechanic shop, seeing the vast network of pipes that a mechanic will send from the auto repair bay, and it'll get pushed to the billing desk in about 2.5 seconds.

I wonder if it would be possible to spooge in a woman's eye by masturbating into a vacuum pipe, and then tell the girl at the other end that a "package" is coming. Boom, you just spooged in her eye. Spooging in the workplace.

You, my dear reader, may wonder why I'm interested in spooging in a woman's eye. Stripped to the core, it's a simple hedonistic pleasure. When I give a dozen roses, lillies, or a box of overpriced chocolate to a girl, she feels a temporary pleasure. Releasing spooge into a woman's eye gives me that same pleasure that a woman would feel if I gave her flowers, candy, or both.