*Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of certain people
"I love nailing some drunk bitch, because I don't have to worry about putting the condom on, since she probably won't know me from all the other guys at a party." - Ray Sanchez*
Damn Ray, you are one crazy son of a bitch, but I agree with you on that. If I ever got over the ethics of having sex with a drunk woman, I would probably want to go bareback in her, because it's the only time you can bust a nut in a woman and not have to worry about her coming after you for 18 years of child support. I doubt the slut would even remember what happened the next morning.
I think more than anything, I would love the opportunity to finger the anus of a drunk woman, and do all the things that I am too timid to ask of a sober woman, like dropping a steamer, and asking her to give me a blumpkin. Not that I sit around and dream of getting a blumpkin all the time, but when I am coordinating a database conversion from ACT to our CRM, I catch myself wanting to drop some poo and have a woman suck me off. Since there is no sober woman I know of that would do it, I'm waiting for the day that I meet Drunk Debby at a party.
I'm going to my 10 year high school reunion this weekend. Either I'm going to mingle and go home with blue balls, or I'm going to get a blumpkin and finger the anus of the prom queen, class of '98.
One thing is for sure, some lucky drunk woman will be paid very generously. I'm taking $28.00 with me.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Deficating in public places
*Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of my readers
"Spreading feces on the ground is like spreading DNA in a woman's uterus, but when you poo on ground you don't have to pay that bitch 18 years" - Malcom James McCurry*
I enjoy taking a shit on a pretty regular basis. Sometimes, after I go to a fine dining establishment like El Torito or Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, all I want to do is go poo. Dropping the kids off to the pool, if you must.
But what about if you need to go poo and there is no public toilet available? Well my friends, might I introduce you to outdoor defectation. When I was a wee bit younger, a friend of mine poo-ed in a community garden, and felt he was simply fertilizing the tomatoes and green onions. At the time I was disgusted, but as I am a bit older now, and hence more classy, I should have crapped on the carrot plants. You are what you eat, after all.
A few weeks later, I went to a party to some guy's house who I didn't like. I removed the lid to his toilet tank and I yakked in there. A few other people followed suit. If I wasn't so chicken, I'd have taken a diarrhea in said toilet, but I'll save something for when I'm really in a bad mood.
What I fail to understand, is that if a woman is sucking off a guy, why she so freely ingests his semen, yet when she's rimming the anus of the same guy, she's so reluctant to eat his (ahem) poo. So hypocritical.
If I'm staying at some random girl's house, after a night of nailing her, if I have to go poo, I might be inclined to give her a good old Cleveland Steamer, because it's too much work to go to the bathroom and flush the toilet.
"Spreading feces on the ground is like spreading DNA in a woman's uterus, but when you poo on ground you don't have to pay that bitch 18 years" - Malcom James McCurry*
I enjoy taking a shit on a pretty regular basis. Sometimes, after I go to a fine dining establishment like El Torito or Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, all I want to do is go poo. Dropping the kids off to the pool, if you must.
But what about if you need to go poo and there is no public toilet available? Well my friends, might I introduce you to outdoor defectation. When I was a wee bit younger, a friend of mine poo-ed in a community garden, and felt he was simply fertilizing the tomatoes and green onions. At the time I was disgusted, but as I am a bit older now, and hence more classy, I should have crapped on the carrot plants. You are what you eat, after all.
A few weeks later, I went to a party to some guy's house who I didn't like. I removed the lid to his toilet tank and I yakked in there. A few other people followed suit. If I wasn't so chicken, I'd have taken a diarrhea in said toilet, but I'll save something for when I'm really in a bad mood.
What I fail to understand, is that if a woman is sucking off a guy, why she so freely ingests his semen, yet when she's rimming the anus of the same guy, she's so reluctant to eat his (ahem) poo. So hypocritical.
If I'm staying at some random girl's house, after a night of nailing her, if I have to go poo, I might be inclined to give her a good old Cleveland Steamer, because it's too much work to go to the bathroom and flush the toilet.
Deli Meat and Pussy
*Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of people in my blog
"Phil*, there are four times of Pussy in the world." - Ray*
"What do you mean, Ray*?"
"You have the big, the little, the roast beef, and the pastrami, Phil*"
"Do explain, Ray*!"
"Phil*, the big pussy is self explanatory, it's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Bitch is too loose, been passed around like joint on 420, little pussy is so tight, it's like a 5 year old boys anus, roast beef means it's nice and neat like a roast beef sandwich, and pastrami means it's all hanging out sloppy"
Damn, Ray* is one nasty son of a bitch.
This brings me to my take on the pussy. Yes, I know a woman with a big pussy might be the easiest lay of there, but I don't want to feel inadequate, because I doubt my manhood would give a slut like her any sensation. A woman with a small pussy is probably a virgin, but I love getting my manhood piled in that tightness. MMMMM. I like roast beef, especially the 5 sandwiches for $5 at Arby's, but I'm afraid that some girls hoo-hoo might smell like roast beef and bbq sauce. This takes me to the pastrami. Umm...I don't know if I'm down with nailing a woman who's poontang is hanging outside her body. I guess that would be an out of body experience.
I'll take me a small pussy with no cameltoe. Can you also throw in a side of fries? Maybe a vanilla shake?
"Phil*, there are four times of Pussy in the world." - Ray*
"What do you mean, Ray*?"
"You have the big, the little, the roast beef, and the pastrami, Phil*"
"Do explain, Ray*!"
"Phil*, the big pussy is self explanatory, it's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Bitch is too loose, been passed around like joint on 420, little pussy is so tight, it's like a 5 year old boys anus, roast beef means it's nice and neat like a roast beef sandwich, and pastrami means it's all hanging out sloppy"
Damn, Ray* is one nasty son of a bitch.
This brings me to my take on the pussy. Yes, I know a woman with a big pussy might be the easiest lay of there, but I don't want to feel inadequate, because I doubt my manhood would give a slut like her any sensation. A woman with a small pussy is probably a virgin, but I love getting my manhood piled in that tightness. MMMMM. I like roast beef, especially the 5 sandwiches for $5 at Arby's, but I'm afraid that some girls hoo-hoo might smell like roast beef and bbq sauce. This takes me to the pastrami. Umm...I don't know if I'm down with nailing a woman who's poontang is hanging outside her body. I guess that would be an out of body experience.
I'll take me a small pussy with no cameltoe. Can you also throw in a side of fries? Maybe a vanilla shake?
Friday, May 9, 2008
Anal Fetishes
*Names have been changed to protect the identities of certain people
Rangoon Rimjob: Multiple Definitions
1) (N) The act of receiving analingus (having ones asshole eaten out) by a Burmese woman.
2) (Adj) Performing analingus in an anal cavity that mirrors Myanmar (Burma) after the cyclone that just hit there। (I.e: Lots of "mud")
I like ass. I am an ass man. Nothing makes me want a female more than a nice round ass. I work in sales, but sometimes, when I am prequalifying prospects for a CRM system, I think about burying my face in a big ass. For instance, a few days ago, I was walking back from lunch with Malcolm*, Leonard*, and Chang*, and we saw this woman with an amazing derriere. For the remainder of the day, all I thought about was motorboating that woman's ass. Yes, I know there is an element of mud involved, but sometimes, an ass man, like myself has to get down and dirty.
Occasionally, I want to take a woman's butt cheeks, if you will, and spread them apart, or as I refer to it, "Spreading that ass like butter on toast." I want to pull the right and left butt cheek apart, and stick my finger into said woman's anus. Yes, I enjoy the proper placement of my penis in a woman's sphincter, but if I'm busy and can't be bothered with full blown anal sex, I can get temporary pleasure by placing my index finger into her anus. I call that the muddy finger.
I find myself out at the mall, or out at a restaurant and I see a woman wearing tight jeans, I stare and get enveloped in her ass. Of course, when I stare, I am a dirty man, but I blame the woman for wearing tight clothes. I'll use this analogy: When I was a child, and my mom made cookies, she left them on the kitchen counter to cool. Of course I would sneak a cookie or two and eat them. It's the same thing with a woman in tight jeans. I'm going to want to bury my face in that ass and grab it. Willpower is for suckers.
Rangoon Rimjob: Multiple Definitions
1) (N) The act of receiving analingus (having ones asshole eaten out) by a Burmese woman.
2) (Adj) Performing analingus in an anal cavity that mirrors Myanmar (Burma) after the cyclone that just hit there। (I.e: Lots of "mud")
I like ass. I am an ass man. Nothing makes me want a female more than a nice round ass. I work in sales, but sometimes, when I am prequalifying prospects for a CRM system, I think about burying my face in a big ass. For instance, a few days ago, I was walking back from lunch with Malcolm*, Leonard*, and Chang*, and we saw this woman with an amazing derriere. For the remainder of the day, all I thought about was motorboating that woman's ass. Yes, I know there is an element of mud involved, but sometimes, an ass man, like myself has to get down and dirty.
Occasionally, I want to take a woman's butt cheeks, if you will, and spread them apart, or as I refer to it, "Spreading that ass like butter on toast." I want to pull the right and left butt cheek apart, and stick my finger into said woman's anus. Yes, I enjoy the proper placement of my penis in a woman's sphincter, but if I'm busy and can't be bothered with full blown anal sex, I can get temporary pleasure by placing my index finger into her anus. I call that the muddy finger.
I find myself out at the mall, or out at a restaurant and I see a woman wearing tight jeans, I stare and get enveloped in her ass. Of course, when I stare, I am a dirty man, but I blame the woman for wearing tight clothes. I'll use this analogy: When I was a child, and my mom made cookies, she left them on the kitchen counter to cool. Of course I would sneak a cookie or two and eat them. It's the same thing with a woman in tight jeans. I'm going to want to bury my face in that ass and grab it. Willpower is for suckers.
Grabbing a woman's crotch
Yaaaaaaow!: Multiple definitions..
1) (Verb) The act of taking your right hand and making it into the shape of a "C," to be used to grab the crotch of a woman.
2) (Noun) The sound a man makes when he grabs a woman's crotch.
Yaaaaaaaow! I sometimes wish that grabbing a woman's crotch should be legal. There are scenarios where I believe Yaaaaaaow is necessary. For instance, when I am at a club or lounge and I'm flirting up a storm with an attractive female, a drink may be purchased for her, by me. Now, I'm not petty enough to ask for money from said female, but I would like the pleasure of grabbing her crotch.
When you're at a club or lounge and you're dancing with a girl, you're already feeling her backside, her breasts, so why not Yaaaaaaaow. It should be legal in such a situation.
How to perform Yaaaaaaaaow:
1) See definition # 1
2) Reach between the woman's legs and grab, keeping your hand in the "C" position.
3) See definition #2
Repeat steps 1-3 as needed.
1) (Verb) The act of taking your right hand and making it into the shape of a "C," to be used to grab the crotch of a woman.
2) (Noun) The sound a man makes when he grabs a woman's crotch.
Yaaaaaaaow! I sometimes wish that grabbing a woman's crotch should be legal. There are scenarios where I believe Yaaaaaaow is necessary. For instance, when I am at a club or lounge and I'm flirting up a storm with an attractive female, a drink may be purchased for her, by me. Now, I'm not petty enough to ask for money from said female, but I would like the pleasure of grabbing her crotch.
When you're at a club or lounge and you're dancing with a girl, you're already feeling her backside, her breasts, so why not Yaaaaaaaow. It should be legal in such a situation.
How to perform Yaaaaaaaaow:
1) See definition # 1
2) Reach between the woman's legs and grab, keeping your hand in the "C" position.
3) See definition #2
Repeat steps 1-3 as needed.
Spooging in a woman's eye
Shanghai Shooter: (N) It's when you can bust a nut with such precision that it gets in an Asian woman's eye.
See, the Asian woman has a smaller sized eye, so to pull off the Shanghai Shooter, you have to use your scope when you're about to bust said nut.
I've always been intrigued when I go to a mechanic shop, seeing the vast network of pipes that a mechanic will send from the auto repair bay, and it'll get pushed to the billing desk in about 2.5 seconds.
I wonder if it would be possible to spooge in a woman's eye by masturbating into a vacuum pipe, and then tell the girl at the other end that a "package" is coming. Boom, you just spooged in her eye. Spooging in the workplace.
You, my dear reader, may wonder why I'm interested in spooging in a woman's eye. Stripped to the core, it's a simple hedonistic pleasure. When I give a dozen roses, lillies, or a box of overpriced chocolate to a girl, she feels a temporary pleasure. Releasing spooge into a woman's eye gives me that same pleasure that a woman would feel if I gave her flowers, candy, or both.
See, the Asian woman has a smaller sized eye, so to pull off the Shanghai Shooter, you have to use your scope when you're about to bust said nut.
I've always been intrigued when I go to a mechanic shop, seeing the vast network of pipes that a mechanic will send from the auto repair bay, and it'll get pushed to the billing desk in about 2.5 seconds.
I wonder if it would be possible to spooge in a woman's eye by masturbating into a vacuum pipe, and then tell the girl at the other end that a "package" is coming. Boom, you just spooged in her eye. Spooging in the workplace.
You, my dear reader, may wonder why I'm interested in spooging in a woman's eye. Stripped to the core, it's a simple hedonistic pleasure. When I give a dozen roses, lillies, or a box of overpriced chocolate to a girl, she feels a temporary pleasure. Releasing spooge into a woman's eye gives me that same pleasure that a woman would feel if I gave her flowers, candy, or both.
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