The Gay Cancer

May we take a moment of silence in honour of those who we have lost due to the Gay Cancer. (Heads Bowed)

1) Denholm Elliot
2) Freddie Mercury
3) Easy - E
4) Arthur Ashe
5) Issac Asimov
6) Robert Reed (Dad from the Brady Bunch)
7) Rock Hudson
8) Tom Fogarty (From CCR, the band)
9) Liberace

The list is longer than the above mentioned nine, but your dear author worries that he may receive some sort of negative karma for mentioning 10 or 11 people who have died by way of the Gay Cancer.

You can avoid the Gay Cancer by not using water fountains, touching door knobs, and not eating at a restaurant with a salad bar, to avoid touching plastic serving utensils.

Ziploc Bag vs. Tube Sock vs. Kleenex

As I'm sure you know by now, I am of the gender male, and I occasionally like to stroke my penis for self gratification. When stroking one's penis, the problem often arises of where to put the (how do I say this lightly) semen? Especially when I am self gratifying myself in the bed. That being said, the best place to put one's penis is in a woman's vagina and/or mouth.


There really are three different mechanisms you can use to ensure that the semen does not leave a stain behind and I'm going go over some pros and cons over each one.


1) The Ziploc (or Glad) Plastic Bag: The obvious pro about using a Ziploc bag is simple. You can bag your semen to smear in a girl's hair at some later point in the day. Also, by "bagging" your semen, you can begin collecting it, for fun. That way, when a bitch gets out of line, you can make her swallow your stale semen or something to that nature. I also like the Ziploc bag because it is always something that is readily available, whether I am at home, at a friend's house, or on vacation. An obvious drawback to using a Ziploc bag is that they don't come cheap, often times a pack of 20 cost upwards of $4.00

2) The Tube Sock is great because you can find a tube sock anywhere you go. I'm not against starching a buddy's tube sock if I'm in the need to "choke the chicken" at their house, but then again, I can be a nice guy about it and just grab a Ziploc bag. It might look pretty weird asking a buddy for a Ziploc bag though. The sock is also great because it is a semi permiable object which would allow you to air your little buddy while jerking off. The problem with a tube sock though, is that if you neglect to put it in the hamper right after, if you put it on, you might have spooge on your foot.

3) Kleenex is cool because it is the cheapest way to go. A box of kleenex costs around $1.50 for a box of 100 so that's 50 times you can stroke the salami, assuming you use 2 kleenex tissues each time. Kleenex is also discrete because once you throw it away you're done with it. This is the best way to go, because whether you're in bed, in a restaurant, or at a picture show, when the urge arises, boom, you can get some kleenex and there you go, no semen stains on your pants. The biggest drawback of using kleenex is that if you run out, you have to resort to option 1 or 2, unless you have an endless supply of kleenex on hand.

I'm a big fan of the Ziploc bag, because i think it's the best way to spread spooge on a woman. Nothing like giving a woman bukkake with 3 day old semen. I think the Ziploc disbursal of semen works best when followed up with a Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaow!

Sit on my faaaaaaace

Sit on my faaaaaaace - by Phil Asheeyo Joe

Girl I want to tell you one thing
Your pussy makes me want to sing
Now let me slowly remove your thong
As I make you wet with this song

Sit on my faaaaaaace my sexy hoe
Your juices are surely to flow
Sit on my faaaaaaace let me suck on your cunt
Girl your pussy is what I yearn to hunt

Bitch your ass is so nice
It's the nicest thing since shrimp fried rice
Take off that whack ass dress
Let me suck on your pussy and take away your stress

Sit on my faaaaaaaace you fuckin slut
Let me lick your clit and then you suck on my nut
Sit on my faaaaaaace spread them butt cheeks
I can do this for a few weeks

Girl just let me know what I gotta do
To stick my dick into the hole from which you poo
All I want is to cum in your eye
Or Fuck you doggy style while eating some legs and maybe a thigh

Sex with women who have recently lost a relative

*Note: Names have been changed to protect the identity of my people..

I work with this gentleman by the name of Harrison*, and he told me that a few days ago this woman with whom he intimately fraternized with recently lost her grandmother. Of course it is always a sad day when a loved relative is lost, but when someone, like a grandmother dies, a new opportunity for poon is always created.

For instance, when Heath Ledger died, I totally wish I was in New York with Michelle Williams (the mother of his bastard child). I would have consoled her a little bit, and then as she was crying on my shoulder, I'd gently, yet firmly guide her head to my nether regions in hopes of getting some distraught woman fellatio. At bare minimum, I'd expect a handjob for being there to console her.

This brings me to the issue of Harrison*, a naive, but overall hoarse voiced guy I work with.. He doesn't want to go to the funeral of the woman whose grandmother died, and I think he's making a mistake. This is guaranteed fellatio in the bathroom of the church, which I'm sure will culminate in bending her over the open casket of grandma. Even if Harrison doesn't try, I'm sure he can guilt her into giving him a blumpkin. A nice blumpkin. I'd of course drop a steamer on a woman after the blumpkin.

If I were King

Sometimes, like any other red-blooded man, I dream of being King. If I become king, of course I would have some laws and rules. Rules that if not followed, would result in the death of those who do not follow them.

1) I must have my royal ribeye and a 40. The royal ribeye would be prepared in a barbeque manner topped with gorgonzola butter and a side of caviar. If the royal ribeye is cooked beyond medium, the chef in charge of preparing said ribeye will be beheaded.

2) In the morning, before assuming my throne, there must be 6 naked women on the royal lawn for my daily steamer. If I am not able to find 6 women to humour me with a place on their chest to drop the royal fecal matter, then 6 women will be summoned at random.

3) All women must surrender their vagina to a man upon request for entry of his penis. Their chest must be surrendered for the placement of a steamer. Optional entry point in a woman's body is the anus, however, if a man requests entrance through a woman's backside, she must grant it.

4) Any woman who does not grant entrance into her vagina or anus to a man is subject to the penalties of treason, resulting in death by the Heath Ledger method.

5) Taxes will be collected on the 8th of every month by a tax collected nominated by the royal tribunal. Men must pay their taxes to the tax collector in gold, cash, or both. Women will pay their taxes to me, the King, in the form sexual favors or a blumpkin while the King is on the royal commode.

6) When a woman requests a favor from a man, either sexual or non-sexual, if granted by the man, the woman must allow the man to grab her crotch in a manner which is both demeaning and erotic.

7) Any woman who does not obey the laws of my kingdom is subject to receiving bukkake from the royal tribunal, consisting of Malcolm, Fernando and Chang.

Women in the White House

So today we have the glorious news that Hilary Rodham Clinton, aka Psycho Cunt is dropping out of the election, as she lost the superdelegate race to one Hussain Barack Obama (Bin Laden).

When will women learn, there is no place for them in Politics?? Benazir Bhutto was assasinated I'm sure for a really good reason. She was a woman doing a man's job. As a ribeye and 40 oz loving man, I don't want a woman telling me how fast I can go in my car, what tax rate I should be held to, and what the age of consent is..16 all the way.

In the White House, the only places where a woman should be is under the president's desk on her knees, giving the president a blumpkin in the royal toilet, or on all fours getting stabbed in the anus. The presidential penis deserves some play in the mud sometimes.

If Hilary Clinton becomes president, will Bill Clinton be the first lady, and if so, will she be eaten out by some over zealous intern. I'd hazard a guess that she hasn't shaved her hoo-hoo since 1974. Imagine burying your face in that...Eech.

I barely trust women balancing a checkbook, or paying a bill on time. You really think I'd trust some hoe/cunt/slut/bitch/hoodrat/skank making laws, declaring wars, or telling me what hole I can put it in. Hell no!

Imagine a woman declaring war on Iraq because of her period. America would be the laughing stock of the world.

Ladies, as always, you are always welcome to sit on my faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!