If I were King

Sometimes, like any other red-blooded man, I dream of being King. If I become king, of course I would have some laws and rules. Rules that if not followed, would result in the death of those who do not follow them.

1) I must have my royal ribeye and a 40. The royal ribeye would be prepared in a barbeque manner topped with gorgonzola butter and a side of caviar. If the royal ribeye is cooked beyond medium, the chef in charge of preparing said ribeye will be beheaded.

2) In the morning, before assuming my throne, there must be 6 naked women on the royal lawn for my daily steamer. If I am not able to find 6 women to humour me with a place on their chest to drop the royal fecal matter, then 6 women will be summoned at random.

3) All women must surrender their vagina to a man upon request for entry of his penis. Their chest must be surrendered for the placement of a steamer. Optional entry point in a woman's body is the anus, however, if a man requests entrance through a woman's backside, she must grant it.

4) Any woman who does not grant entrance into her vagina or anus to a man is subject to the penalties of treason, resulting in death by the Heath Ledger method.

5) Taxes will be collected on the 8th of every month by a tax collected nominated by the royal tribunal. Men must pay their taxes to the tax collector in gold, cash, or both. Women will pay their taxes to me, the King, in the form sexual favors or a blumpkin while the King is on the royal commode.

6) When a woman requests a favor from a man, either sexual or non-sexual, if granted by the man, the woman must allow the man to grab her crotch in a manner which is both demeaning and erotic.

7) Any woman who does not obey the laws of my kingdom is subject to receiving bukkake from the royal tribunal, consisting of Malcolm, Fernando and Chang.