Gentlemen of Phil's Blog:
I come to you with issues plaguing men across this fine world. Problems which broads everywhere rather than helping men address them, are just making them worse as time goes on.
Remember the days when you married a woman and you got a field of land and some cows as your dowry? I dream of a day when we can own our women and tell them what to do, what hole we want to put it in, and what we want sucked, and when. If you tell a woman the words blow and job in the same conversation, you're facing a sexual harrassment lawsuit followed by a scarlett letter on your chest.
I long for the halcyon days when grabbing a woman's crotch was legal. You could stick your hand between her legs and yell "Yaaaaaaaaaaoooow," and she would show her appreciation by giving you a hand job. Now if you look at a woman's crotch, you're going to jail for sexual assault. No wandering eyes! That means you!
Back in the good old days, if you hired a secretary, it was the same as having a mistress. You could tell your secretary what to do, and after she went under the desk to give you a management style hummer, she brought you a cup of coffee and some donuts. Now you can't even look at your secretary without wondering if that bitch is going to get you fired for thinking about her size 14 ass. Look...ass is another pussy.
Don't even get me started on having sex with girls that took too much G, Liquor, or Cocaine and decided to pass out. How inconsiderate of them to do such a misdeed. In the days of yore, you could totally spooge in a girl who passed out, and it was considered a badge of honor for multiple guys to release their semen in said girl. Now, if you look at a girl who is passed out and even get a hard on from thinking about releasing inside her, you're looking at a rape charge.
Dear gentlemen of Phil's blog, I worry that as time goes on, even missionary intercourse will become illegal. I sometimes wake up with a woody and in a cold sweat and I think when will I get convicted for having an erection in public.
Till then...Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooow! Siiiiiiiiiiit on my faaaaaaaaaaaaaace!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
How/Where to have sex with a woman while at a party
Often times, the author of this blog likes to go for an occasional soiree, where there might be a person of the opposite sex. Said person of the opposite sex may decide to imbibe herself in a cocktail or two, and at the end of the night, she is *ahem, DTF. Down to fornicate.
There are certain considerations one needs to take before deciding to fornicate with a woman who has imbibed herself in a few libations.
1) Make sure when she is about to fellate you, that you're not wearing a Rolex or Cartier watch. I've heard of stories where a woman is sucking off some man and steals his watch and places it in her snatch. Unless you want to be out a few thousand dollars, put the Rolex away first.
2) If you're going to nail her in a house, make sure the house has no distinctive features; i.e: the only pink house on a street with brick houses, or a palm tree in the front, etc. A girl who is being nailed sans condom (which is the only way to go) may remember one distinct feature about the house, and trace her steps, and soon KaBoom! You're nailed for impregnating her or giving her Syphillis.
3) Make sure you have no distinct features. No cornrows (if you're African American), if you are wearing a sombrero or poncho (if you're Mexican), if you have a fu-man-chu (Chinese) or a turban (Indian) get rid of it on the double. A girl might find cornrows or a sombrero endearing and attractive, but once you spooge inside her, that feature might be all she remembers you by. Just imagine this conversation: (RG = Random girl, RGF = Random girl's friend)
RG: I think I be pregnant
RGF: By who, girlfriend?
RG: By some scrub with a sombrero I met at the party
RGF: Damn girl! Fernando owns a sombrero
RG: I gots to get paid!
Poor Fernando is going to get nailed for 18 years of child support
4) Next to a car is good. See you don't want to get inside a girl, inside your car for two reasons. The first being that you don't want your car to smell like a stripper pole, and the second being that a girl might write down your VIN number and text it to her friends. Once you impregnate her, all she has to do is go to the DMV and boom, she knows who you are and you're done for 18 years. Just nail her against the wall by a car, and point to some other unsuspecting fool's car to her. Let some sucker pay her child support.
If you're not finding any drunk girls, it's okay. Just go to a crowded section of the dance floor and Yaaaaaaoooow all night long. If you grab a few crotches, one might actually want to grab yours back. Foo!
There are certain considerations one needs to take before deciding to fornicate with a woman who has imbibed herself in a few libations.
1) Make sure when she is about to fellate you, that you're not wearing a Rolex or Cartier watch. I've heard of stories where a woman is sucking off some man and steals his watch and places it in her snatch. Unless you want to be out a few thousand dollars, put the Rolex away first.
2) If you're going to nail her in a house, make sure the house has no distinctive features; i.e: the only pink house on a street with brick houses, or a palm tree in the front, etc. A girl who is being nailed sans condom (which is the only way to go) may remember one distinct feature about the house, and trace her steps, and soon KaBoom! You're nailed for impregnating her or giving her Syphillis.
3) Make sure you have no distinct features. No cornrows (if you're African American), if you are wearing a sombrero or poncho (if you're Mexican), if you have a fu-man-chu (Chinese) or a turban (Indian) get rid of it on the double. A girl might find cornrows or a sombrero endearing and attractive, but once you spooge inside her, that feature might be all she remembers you by. Just imagine this conversation: (RG = Random girl, RGF = Random girl's friend)
RG: I think I be pregnant
RGF: By who, girlfriend?
RG: By some scrub with a sombrero I met at the party
RGF: Damn girl! Fernando owns a sombrero
RG: I gots to get paid!
Poor Fernando is going to get nailed for 18 years of child support
4) Next to a car is good. See you don't want to get inside a girl, inside your car for two reasons. The first being that you don't want your car to smell like a stripper pole, and the second being that a girl might write down your VIN number and text it to her friends. Once you impregnate her, all she has to do is go to the DMV and boom, she knows who you are and you're done for 18 years. Just nail her against the wall by a car, and point to some other unsuspecting fool's car to her. Let some sucker pay her child support.
If you're not finding any drunk girls, it's okay. Just go to a crowded section of the dance floor and Yaaaaaaoooow all night long. If you grab a few crotches, one might actually want to grab yours back. Foo!
Monday, August 4, 2008
The Ethics of Fornicating with a woman who is diseased
When a man, like myself craves poon, he has a rolodex of women to choose from, but there is that occasional time, or two, where the women on said rolodex are busy, probably getting reamed in the derriere by some other man. That being said, if I'm desperate to release some spooge, and I don't feel the desire to spit game, might I suggest flagrante delicto with a woman with a disability. After all, it was said by Steve Stiffler in American Wedding, that Pussy is Pussy. I concurr, Mr. Stiffler.
1) A woman who is suffering from cancer is the easiest choice in my book. They're normally bald, and pale from all the drugs they're taking. A lot of times a woman who has cancer is also infertile, so you can do her sans condom and you probably won't get her pregnant. Most cancer patients are hairless too, so it's a guarantee that her skin is baby soft. In the event she can have kids, getting her to have an abortion would be damn easy. Who the hell wants a radioactive mutant as a child?
2) Try a woman who suffers from epilepsy. While she's prone to having a seizure, her pussy is probably extra tight since she is devoid of regular action. Again, you can probably get away with nailing her sans condom, since she probably has bigger problems to worry about, than your name. I would avoid receiving oral sex from her though, because if she has a seizure, she might bite your little buddy. Bukakke is always an option though.
3) For those of you who are into additional risk, might I suggest an amputee? Imagine nailing a woman with no legs, or missing an arm and a leg, or with a glass eye. So many places to put your spooge. I would love to spooge in a woman's eye socket, and feel her orbital bone with my penis. You can nail a girl who is missing a leg, let's say, and once you're done, run off with her prosthetic leg, and sell it for some weed, or G.
4) Single mothers are the most diseased out there, however. They are the easiest by far, and they have the biggest disease in the world, a bastard child. With this group, a condom is required, because they will take your seed and bring your bastard child into the world. Again, this is fun because you can use them for what they are, pure sluts.
5) Women with parkinson's disease are great because they're always shaking. It's like a little extra pulsation when you insert your penis into her vaginal area. Since she's always shaking, you probably get yours a little faster, plus you can probably pass her on to your friends while she's shaking and it's like a free for all. Everyone gets their rocks off and no one has to spend a lot of money on dinner.
There are a lot of disabilities out there. but the 5 mentioned above are probably the most fun to nail. I think if you really want to pull off a trifecta, do a single mom who suffers from epilepsy with a glass eye. Spooge in the bitch's eye foo! You dig!
1) A woman who is suffering from cancer is the easiest choice in my book. They're normally bald, and pale from all the drugs they're taking. A lot of times a woman who has cancer is also infertile, so you can do her sans condom and you probably won't get her pregnant. Most cancer patients are hairless too, so it's a guarantee that her skin is baby soft. In the event she can have kids, getting her to have an abortion would be damn easy. Who the hell wants a radioactive mutant as a child?
2) Try a woman who suffers from epilepsy. While she's prone to having a seizure, her pussy is probably extra tight since she is devoid of regular action. Again, you can probably get away with nailing her sans condom, since she probably has bigger problems to worry about, than your name. I would avoid receiving oral sex from her though, because if she has a seizure, she might bite your little buddy. Bukakke is always an option though.
3) For those of you who are into additional risk, might I suggest an amputee? Imagine nailing a woman with no legs, or missing an arm and a leg, or with a glass eye. So many places to put your spooge. I would love to spooge in a woman's eye socket, and feel her orbital bone with my penis. You can nail a girl who is missing a leg, let's say, and once you're done, run off with her prosthetic leg, and sell it for some weed, or G.
4) Single mothers are the most diseased out there, however. They are the easiest by far, and they have the biggest disease in the world, a bastard child. With this group, a condom is required, because they will take your seed and bring your bastard child into the world. Again, this is fun because you can use them for what they are, pure sluts.
5) Women with parkinson's disease are great because they're always shaking. It's like a little extra pulsation when you insert your penis into her vaginal area. Since she's always shaking, you probably get yours a little faster, plus you can probably pass her on to your friends while she's shaking and it's like a free for all. Everyone gets their rocks off and no one has to spend a lot of money on dinner.
There are a lot of disabilities out there. but the 5 mentioned above are probably the most fun to nail. I think if you really want to pull off a trifecta, do a single mom who suffers from epilepsy with a glass eye. Spooge in the bitch's eye foo! You dig!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Great places to bust a nut on a woman
It has come to my attention that while wearing a condom ensures you do not produce any unwanted progeny, you lose the pleasure of busting a nut inside a woman. Unless of course you are fornicating with a post-menopause, or a pre-pubescant female. I'm not going to go into the dilemma one faces if choosing to fornicate with a pre-pubescant female, other than, it is illegal. In the case of a post-menopause woman, you would have to deal with the obvious; the woman has more miles than that 1982 Toyota Cressida you see on the 134.
Here are some common (and not so common) places where you can bust a nut on (or in) a woman and not have to deal with a bastard child 9 months later.
1) Mouth: This is an obvious choice. There is no better place than spewing semen in a woman's mouth. It's warm, it's wet, and it's almost like a vagina, less the tightness, but if you want the semen to be swallowed, then it's the best place. Stick your penis in far enough, and it's guaranteed your spooge will be swallowed.
2) Eye: The shanghai shooter, my personal favorite. Take a load off, so to speak, in a woman's eye. It takes precision, but think about it, you'll be the guy she always talks about. Random girl to her friend: "Did you know XXXXX made me blind because he spooged in my eye!" Yaaaaow!
3) Ear: I don't know why you would do this, but if you want to talk shit about a girl after you finish fornicating with her, some delicately placed spooge in her ear may do the trick. Using enough precision, one can pull this off, and while she's wondering what went into her ear, you can proceed to call her a skank, trick, hoe, or skeezer.
4) Ass Crack: If you're not a fan of mud, the ass crack may not be your forte, but if you enjoy getting "down and dirty," some spooge in, or on the ass crack might be just what that hoe needs. It's not necessarily the most unique place to spooge, but it works.
Obviously, there are numerous places one can release on a woman, but these are just a few. Just remember, once you spooge, a timely Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaow must be done, otherwise, you can just get the steppin!
Here are some common (and not so common) places where you can bust a nut on (or in) a woman and not have to deal with a bastard child 9 months later.
1) Mouth: This is an obvious choice. There is no better place than spewing semen in a woman's mouth. It's warm, it's wet, and it's almost like a vagina, less the tightness, but if you want the semen to be swallowed, then it's the best place. Stick your penis in far enough, and it's guaranteed your spooge will be swallowed.
2) Eye: The shanghai shooter, my personal favorite. Take a load off, so to speak, in a woman's eye. It takes precision, but think about it, you'll be the guy she always talks about. Random girl to her friend: "Did you know XXXXX made me blind because he spooged in my eye!" Yaaaaow!
3) Ear: I don't know why you would do this, but if you want to talk shit about a girl after you finish fornicating with her, some delicately placed spooge in her ear may do the trick. Using enough precision, one can pull this off, and while she's wondering what went into her ear, you can proceed to call her a skank, trick, hoe, or skeezer.
4) Ass Crack: If you're not a fan of mud, the ass crack may not be your forte, but if you enjoy getting "down and dirty," some spooge in, or on the ass crack might be just what that hoe needs. It's not necessarily the most unique place to spooge, but it works.
Obviously, there are numerous places one can release on a woman, but these are just a few. Just remember, once you spooge, a timely Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaow must be done, otherwise, you can just get the steppin!
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