The different stages of poon

Phil's readers, I present to you, a great way to put your "prospects" in stages. For instance, if you're in sales, you make a list of people your are in the process of selling. A good salesman like Fernando Lunarzano or Malcolm James McCurry has a lot of prospects that are on the cusp of closing, where as a not-so-good salesman like Vicki the Robot might have a lot of prospects who will never close.

It made me wonder, with the help of Fernando Lunarzano and Malcolm James McCurry, if it is possible to create stages of women, to gather important data such as the probability and date of close.

Stage 1: Fingered the girl while she is sober and knows it is you - This is a nice forbearing for poon. If you can finger a girl without sneaking your hand in there, and she is sober, you're getting closer to nailing her. Potential of closing - 10%

Stage 2: Received a blow job - Once you put her in the blow job stage, the only way you're messing this up is if you accidentally blurt out that you have Herpes. If she knowingly sucks your dick, you have a higher chance of nailing her. Potential of closing - 35%

Stage 3: Face f*cking her - If you successfully fingered a girl and got a blow job, if you're not closing the deal, you need to move her up to stage three. Again, you just face f*ck her until you are drained, and don't be a dumbass and blurt out that you got chlymidia when you were 13. Potential of closing - 58%

Stage 4: Insertion of the tip - If you put the tip in, you're almost there. Some sluts need a little extra buttering, but if you get the tip in there and she makes you pull out, this is where a little persuasion or party favors might come in handy. Nevertheless, if she asks you to leave, you don't want to be accused of sexual assault, as that is illegal. At this stage, you go home, you bring some party favors, and next time, you're in! Potential of closing - 82%

State 5: Whore closed - This is when you stick the tip in and she allows you full entrance. Remember, once you're in, allow yourself time to use her like the slut she is. You're a fool if you tell her your real name, or allow her to know anything factual about you, as you are not using a condom. Your protection is telling her false information. Once you've closed the deal, move on, and put her in the "done" file.

Exceptions to the rule:

1) BBW's - there is no need to put the BBW in a stage. They are there to perform fellatio and be a recepticle for your spooge as needed. When you call her, make sure it's from someone else's phone.

2) Family members you're related to, not by blood - no point putting your step sister in a stage. If you can get it done, just do it. In this situation, please, I implore you, to wear a condom.

3) If you get to stick it in right away, just do it. No point letting a hoe marinate for a few stages if she's ready today.

You need to have more girls in stages 4 &5 than in 1-3, and if you do, you're guaranteed poon all the time. Remember the following though: don't reveal any information about yourself, and you're good to go!

Happy Halloween!

What women should wear on Halloween

Look at this:



If you're a straight male, tell me I'm wrong for wanting every decent - to - hot looking woman dress like this on Halloween. It sure would make crotch grabbing a lot easier.

Halloween Edition of "You might be homosexual if..."

All those out in Phil's land, Halloween is coming up, which means it's a great time to dress up, but keep in mind, that you don't want people thinking you're homosexual if you wear a certain costume and act a certain way on October 31st

I present to you, the 2008, "You might be homosexual if....Halloween Edition:"

1) You take a condom to a halloween party - we all know that if you're disguised, you get a mulligan on unprotected sexual intercourse. Men who have protected sex with women, while disguised are definitely homosexual.

2) You don't give women party favors at the halloween party - when you're disguised, might as well get a mulligan on party favor distribution too.

3) You dress up as He-Man, Shera, or Skeletor and probe men with your "sword"

4) Keeping with the above theme, you and your heterosexual friend come dressed up as Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee and play with each other's "Gandaulf"

5) You "yaaaaaaaooooooow" a man at a halloween party and don't apologize

6) You come dressed up as any of the following: a pixie, a fairy, a naughty nurse, or an Emo Kid.

7) If you see a drunk woman and don't partake in a love session with her and 3 friends

Since I don't engage in many halloween parties, this is a short list, but a good one, to keep in mind what to do to ensure that you do not become homosexual on halloween. After all, there are certain people that think homosexuals do not deserve rights.

How to be fabulous - in 2008

With the economy in shambles, and gays and metrosexuals at war over who should be shopping at rail at Nordstrom, here are some tips for being fabulous, while not breaking the bank:

1) Carry a shoulder strap knockoff Louis Vuitton or Burberry man-bag
2) Don't own a credit card, just say Cash!
3) Grow your own wheatgrass and aloe vera for breakfast juices
4) Cocoa butter lotion to keep your skin smooth
5) Watching Romance movies after work in your VHS player, like "When Harry met Sally," "Sleepless in Seattle," and "Steel Magnolias."
6) Having a little oriental boy at your side at all times
7) Making your own mixtapes
8) Saying “Ciao” or “Toodles” instead of Good Bye
9) Growing your bangs so you can push them off to the side by tilting your head
10) Ordering White Wine at happy hour

With this short list, no matter if you're gay or metrosexual, you will always be fabulous!

How to behave at a rave

Friends of Phil's blog, I have been to a rave or two in my youth, and I have behaved badly at said rave, so reflecting on past experiences, I present to you, ways to behave at a rave so that you conduct yourself in a matter acceptable for society. After all, I have 8 years raving experience.

1) Hooking up at a rave: Make sure that if you decide to have sexual relations with someone at a rave, that you use protection. Using protection includes, but is not limited to a mask, a blindfold, someone else's jacket, or anything you can do to disguise yourself so when said drunk/high sexual companion comes to, they won't know who spooged inside them.

2) Group sex: When you're at a rave, music is flowing, and a lot of women might be drunk, so this is the easiest way to go if you and your friends want to bond over a woman. The easiest way to do this would be to find a drunk girl and tell her you have some liquid ecstacy. Once she's sitting down and ready, get her bukkake style. After she's covered in spooge, get the choo choo ready.

3) Drugs at a rave: This is illegal, so don't do drugs.

4) Talking to girls at a rave: Everybody knows that the girls at raves come for 2 reasons; to get high, and to fuck as many guys as possible. If you see a girl at a rave with her boyfriend/husband, knock him senseless and then Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaow! (see previous blog) the girl. After that, she's sucking you dry. Remember, wear protection. (See #1) Girls respect men who are willing to manhandle them, if you will.

5) Dancing at a rave: Make sure you're dancing in a crowded area, wearing protection, and grab as many women as you can, crotch, breasts, ass, you name it. Since they don't know who you are, you're coping - a -feel completely free, and since you are disguised, you get a mulligan.

If you follow my instructions on behaving at a rave, you are guaranteed to have a great time. If you have a suggestion, keep it to yourself. Don't tell me how to do my job.

You might be black if....

Friends in Phil's denimwarehouse land, we are going to have a black president soon, but what does it take to be black? Realizing this, I did some research with my good friends, Malcolm James McCurry, and Fernando Tecaterzano, and they gave some attributes of what makes someone black. After reading this list, look in the mirror. You might be black if...

- you're either been to, know someone from, or have heard about the city of Detroit.

- your refrigerator contains a pitcher full of Kool-Aid and/or a 6 pack of Welch's Grape Soda

- a staple item in your diet is fried chicken

- you own any of the following: a velvet jumpsuit, a Steve Harvey collection suit, lugz, cross colors t-shirts, or a jersey from a black NBA player

- you sing slow jams while walking in a public place

- you have had sexual relations once (or more) with an overweight white woman

- you have pounded a 40-dogg of Schlitz malt liquor, or Olde English "800"

- you like fine tobacco products like KOOL cigarettes and Swisher sweets

- you want "In Living Color" back in the late night TV lineup

If you can identify with any of the aforementioned, then you, dear readers, might be black.... One more test; can you understand the following: "Who creepin up in dis Mug?"

Ways to save time and money

In today's world, dear readers, we are pressed because of our lack of sufficient funds, time, and a growing global crisis. If you have to take on a 2nd job, or need to cut back because your bills are starting to pile up, here are some time saving & money saving tips:

1) Use the shower for more than bathing: Yes it's true, you can brush your teeth, shave your beard, and even take your morning poo. Think about it, you can force the poo down the drain, and then you can wash your derriere rather than killing trees for toilet paper. If your drain is not wide enough for said poo, you can remove your drain cap and make the poo move down the drain with some drain-o.

2) When masturbating, you can use your pre cum and semen for more than starching a tube sock. If you have anything that needs to be glazed, like some unfinished porcelain or wood, a thin layer of semen can work just as well. After you collect the ejaculate in a pail or saucer, you can take a brush and paint it on the porcelain object you are trying to glaze, and voila! You've just saved both money and time. Be sure to wash the brush, because a woman can impregnate herself if there is semen on the brush.

3) When you're having sex with a fat woman, if at her place, after you are done receiving copious amounts of fellatio and having your pipes drained (as what the fatties are good for) instead of wasting time expelling urine in a toilet, just do what you need to do on her bed. It'll be so wet with her sweat, she probably won't know any different. Just make sure you don't leave your condom behind, because she can remove your "seed" from the condom.

4) When you sweat, collect the excess persperation in a canteen. This can save you money on lube, whether it's for jacking yourself, your friend, or fingering a girl you meet at a party. Rather than using your hard earned money for vaseline or lotion, save it. You'll be surprised if you collect sweat, how much money can be saved over the course of a year. Use the excess savings on party favors for parties. Legal ones, of course.

Dear readers this is just a short list of what to do to save money or time. Other ideas are out there, but you need to come up with some ingenuity. Since I do all of the above, I can afford to invest in the down-trodden stock market and buy useless things, like deoderant.

A bad term that is a good thing

Let's be honest, we all want a woman to suck our balls. Therefore, it is now my decree, that the term "suck balls," is a good thing.

Here is a great way to use the term "suck balls."

Malcolm: Shit foo, that was one hell of a steak.
Fernando: Joo know it ay!
Malcolm: Foo, it sucked balls
Fernando: Que? Tha's not good, sucking balls.
Malcom: You better recognize foo! Don't you want some pigeon suckin yo balls and shit?
Fernando: Si se puede!

How can sucking balls be bad? The following things (a few) suck balls:

1) Vagina
2) Tits
3) Blindfolded encounters
4) Filet Mignon

Myspace - by Phil

My dear readers, I realize that my blog, over the last few days, has not lived up to your expectations. With an apology and a pulsating and erect penis, I vow to you, that the denim warehouse will be back, with a vengeance.

My topic today is myspace, the online portal, not the space between a woman's legs, which is used for a penis.

Keep in mind, I'm only blogging about what I would do if I had a myspace - I've never had one - the online portal, that is.

1) My picture would be something that would attract women, fat, thin, black, white, they're all welcome to contact me. I'd wear nothing but animal skins and I'd be holding bags of money.

2) I would send dirty messages to girls of all ages, 14 and up, because it's a numbers game. I would include the things I want to do them, like spooge in their mouths, have copious amounts of fellatio performed on me, and stick my fingers up their ass.

3) Fat girls would get special attention from me. Every fat girl would get a message saying I want to take them to Olive Garden for the never ending pasta bowl. After dinner, I would give them a never ending salad to toss.

4) If a girl has a picture of herself with anything in her mouth - lollipop, popsicle, cigarette, crack pipe, straw, etc, I would send her a photo of my penis, as it's only natural that her mouth is used for sucking me off. Anytime a woman puts something in her mouth, she is down...

5) If a girl says she's Christian, I'd tell her that I want to talk religion with her, and try to meet her for a meeting, and I'd definitely bring party favors. Once she's ready to party, I'd pound her hard and make her call my name.. "God"

This is what I would do if I had a myspace - my personal opinion is that all (not some) girls on myspace are DTF, with anyone. If they were selective, then there would be no need for myspace, just herspace, aka a vagina.

Hooking up with the family members of your friends

Keeping true to the theme of hooking up with family, I've decided to branch out, to the idea of hooking up with the family members of friends. Seeing that "Pussy is Pussy," "Ass is ass," and a "mouth is a mouth," it doesn't matter whether it is a random slut from a bar, your friend's mom, your step-mom, or if you're wearing a blindfold, a man, so if your friend's mom is DTF, go on in. Just remember there are some things to think about before spooging in your friend's mom.

1) Make sure that your friend's relative(s) is/are above 18, or the age of consent in the state in which you live. I do not condone having intercourse with people below the age of 18 - it is illegal.

2) Do not, I repeat do not, hook up with your friend's wife. No matter how much of a hoe your friend's wife is, it will most likely cause a rift in your friendship. If your friendship is on the rocks, then fine, go for it, but you have to make sure your friend's wife is DTF. One way to find out if she's down to party, is to give her a massage. Start with the shoulders, then move down to the lower back. If you can massage her clit, you're in. Again, this is wrong, I don't recommend it. However, if you do decide to engage in intercourse with a friend's wife, make sure you wear protection.

3) A friend's sister is always a good source for a quick booty call. Again, make sure she's over 18. You never want to get into a compromising situation with someone below the age of consent. If you have a friend who has a hot sister, you can always see if she's DTF by her track record. A lot of girls these days, like to enjoy a party favor, like booze, doobies, or smoking crack. If she does any of the above, just bring some party favors, and once she takes them, your penis is as good as in (her mouth). Make sure your friend doesn't find out, this might create a rift between the two of you.

4) If your friend has an aunt that is approaching 50, this might be a place where you want to insert your little buddy. Women who are approaching, or at 50 are DTF when it comes to a man who is significantly younger. In order to pull this off, you need to be a bit of a sleuth, as you have to figure out where said friend's aunt lives, where she works, what her schedule is, and where she normally goes for lunch. After doing the above, "randomly" meet her at the restaurant where she goes for lunch, and say to her "Oh hi, you're Fernando's aunt Consuela, right?" If she says yes, invite her to have a drink with you, and if she touches your knee or gives you a hug after lunch, you know what comes (no pun intended) next.

5) Your friend's mom, again is a source for poon, but this is going to be a little tricky because she most likely is married to your friend's dad. Most people do not want to be billed as a homewrecker, but if you don't care about your repuation, or about your friend's feelings about nailing the aforementioned friend's mother, this can be done in two ways:

a) Finding out your friend's mom's church, if she's religious. You attend a service or two and "surprisingly" bump into her. After she sees your religious side, you ask her to meet with you one-on-one to talk about your love of Allah, Jesus, etc. I mean, how threatening can that be. You can bring up a story about how you're trying to find god, and cry a little. If she puts her arm around you, and hugs you, and you're able to cop a feel, you're getting some not-so-forbidden poon.

b) If your friend's mom likes a certain type of music, whether is be gangsta rap, R&B, soul, etc, you can surprise her with a mixtape of that type of music. If she listens to it when you're over, you can enhance the mood with some party favors. Once she gets some libations in her system, she'll start dancing, and that's when you offer to take her to her bedroom. Offer to give her a massage, and you know what follows..

Make sure if you're going to nail your friend's mom, you do it when no one is around. This is by far the worst thing you can do..

I almost feel a little bad for writing this, but now I can absolve myself of any wrongdoing, by saying that I do not condone hooking up with my friend's family members, regardless of how hot they are. It's not illegal, but there are some ramifications. That being said, if you know they're DTF, might as well be you than some random stranger.

Getting "some" from family members that you are related to, not by blood

A special thanks to Malcolm McCurry, the driving force behind today's blog.

Readers, before you decide to delve into today's blog, please understand that I do not condone sexual relations with family members that I am related to by blood. That of course is incest, which is illegal in the United States. (Except Alabama)

I recently found out, about a year ago, that I have a cousin, (through my uncle's 2nd marriage) who is an Indian Adult film actress. When I went to India last year, I got to meet her and I instantly wanted to get with her. She was pretty damn hot. I began to ponder the ethics of this being right or wrong.

Now, before you decide that you want to engage in sexual intercourse with a family member, related by marriage, not blood, you have to make sure that they are down to party, because you do not want to be the topic of discussion at the next family cookout. This brings me to a few things to think about, before you decide to lube up and insert.

1) Have they shown interest in you? When you are at the family cookout, does (insert name here - provided there is no blood relationship) their eyes gaze at your crotch? When they pat your back, do they seductively touch your derriere? Have you ever sat down with let's say Auntie Phyllis, who is Uncle Ted's (your dad's brother) second wife, and she offers you a blowjob? If that's the case, you're in.

2) Have you ever walked in on them? This might be a little hard, but if you've ever walked in on a relative that you're related to, not by blood, and seen them in a compromising situation, and they laugh it off, you might be in. Next time you're at a relative's house, and you see your hot cousin (again, no blood relation) about to take a shower, find a way to jimmy the lock, so when she's in the restroom, you accidentally walk in. If you offer her a hand, or to join her in a steamy session, and she says yes, strap up, cowboy.

3) Have you ever slow danced with them? At a wedding, bar-mitzvah, or anniversay party, your hot aunt, related through marriage may have asked to dance with you, because her husband is a little too old to dance. If you say yes, and she embraces you and touches you between the legs, this might be the easiest way to get some forbidden poon. Once your little buddy gets hard, ask her to come to your room for some drinks. After the first libation, slowly run your hand up her dress. If you hear her moan, you're getting a blowjob.

4) Have you ever heard them talk about...? Often times, the easiest access to forbidden poon is right under our roof! If your dad gets remarried, and the product of your marriage gives you a step sister, or a hot step mother, why not try to hit that? Let's say you hear your step mom and step sister talking about sex, and they quickly get all hot in the cooch, this might be your easiest entry ever. Just go up to your step sister, and say "I heard you talking to mom about XXXXX, and I can teach you what I know." Most women will not agree at first, but a little gentle persuasion, and some party favors, and she'll be down to do anything. Just make sure that you wear protection, because I don't think society looks positively upon Step brothers and step sisters making babies, even if I think it's okay. Getting with your step mom might be a little harder (no pun intended), but it's possible. If your dad and step mom have a fight, just go up to your step mom and try to console her, telling her that you'd treat her right. Put your arm around her and gently push her head down to your lap, so her mouth is you-know-where. If she's receptive to you undoing your fly and she gives you some oral pleasure, you know what's coming up next.

Again, dear readers, this is by no means acceptable or appropriate, but I am no judge of morality. Therefore, if you want to do it, by all means, do it! Just remember, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH BLOOD RELATIVES...it is illegal.

Great ways (and not so great) ways to please yourself

A special thanks to Fernando, the genius often times behind the denim warehouse.


As a man, a man filled with testosterone, I sometimes have to go through great lenghts to get pleasure. Yes, I think a hot woman's vagina or mouth is the way to go, but sometimes, even I, dear reader strike out, and must partake in alternate methods of "release." Here are a few great ideas, and some godawful ones to get the job done..


1) Hand action: This is probably the most conventional idea, and hence the easiest. Take your right hand and put some lubricant, such as vaseline, sweat, pre-cum, or vegetable oil, and then wrap it around your penis, and stroke, stroke away. Just make sure you have a tube sock or ziploc bag to collect the evidence, as you don't want your semen on the floor. A woman out for some cash can use a dipstick and take your semen from the floor, and impregnate herself.


2) The crevice between a mattress and box spring: If you insert your penis in correctly, this can be quite satisfying, as it mirrors the tightness of a 13-year old girl. You can thrust back and forth between the two and the tightness would make even the most flaccid man spooge. Be sure that you are alone when you do this, and no one sits on the bed - as this can cause quick castration.


3) The hose of a vacuum cleaner: This is NOT a great idea, but if you have a vacuum with great suction, like a Dyson or ShopVac has great suction, and hence can be used for a blow-job type action, though it might be a little bit on the dry side. If you're going to use the hose of a vacuum cleaner, make sure you lubricated your little buddy, again with some sweat, vaseline, or pre-cum, otherwise the hose may chafe the skin or your penis.

4) Someone's mouth: Provided you don't care, and you're wearing a blindfold, you can use any mouth available; man, woman, animal, who cares? With a blindfold, you can claim ignorance, so you're essentially absolved from a future claim of being gay. The only problem is if the person sucking you off has the GC, then you might get it, but again, if you're wearing a blindfold, then all is good.

5) The resident fat girl: Sadly, dear readers, your author has done his fair share of the fat girls. I think I had a rotation of 4 or 5 at one time, because before I was the resident master of the Denim Warehouse, I had a .100 batting average, but I was a much better hitter when it came to the fatties. Yes, I had a little self respect when pounding the resident fat girl, but at least I was satisfied.

There are so many ways to please yourself, dear readers, but this is my list. Please feel free to submit suggestions, as I will take them under advisement. Enjoy pleasuring yourself, it's your duty!

The Do's and Dont's of hooking up at an office party

As the holiday season approaches, many of you, my dear readers will be attending a holiday soiree, a party as Christmas, Hannakuah, and Kwaanza approach. At said holiday party approaches, there might be an opportunity to hook up with that female from HR. Never passing on an opportunity for poon, here are some simple Do's and Dont's to ensure that you are guaranteed entrance into an unsuspecting co-worker after the party.

Do's

1)Go to the holiday party alone so you're not stuck taking your date home and not getting fellatio from her (your date)
2)Keep some party favors in your car in case the heavy set party girl from IT wants you to come over
3)Refrain from wearing socks and a watch - after nailing that hoe in the IT department, do you really want to leave behind evidence of last night's "after party?
4) Arrive late - you want the Hoes from your company to marinate before you take advantage of the situation
5) Try to get at someone in a position of authority - if they get on all fours, it translates to a promotion
6) Keep a rubber and lube in your pocket, in case a female coworker wants to hook up at the party
7) Keep a souvenier of your holiday party escapades, like her panties from that night, or a sex toy stolen from her room

Dont's

1) Try to hook up with married woman - her husband (who is probably at the office party) might have an issue with you wanting to finger said married woman.
2)Show up to the office party in your own car - in case you take a drunk girl home and drop a steamer on her, you don't want her identifying you by your car's VIN #, color, or License plate frame color.
3) Cockblock a co-worker who is clearly trying to hook up with the heavyset woman in the IT department. This will bite you in the ass later.
4)Nail a co-worker sans condom - how would you like to pay child support in house?
5) Stay at said female co-worker's house overnight...do what needs to be done, and get the hell out of there, before she figures out who you are.
6)Leave behind evidence - make sure you take your shoes, used condom, lube, party favors, and anything else that can be traced back to you
7) Arrive to the party early - you want to swoop in on the unsuspecting women - be the mysterious latin lover who is going to get fellatio.

I am a proponent of office party hookups, if it is limited to that - no inter office romance, no flowers, just use the female coworker for her best three attributes; her mouth, ass, and vagina.