Great ways (and not so great) ways to please yourself

A special thanks to Fernando, the genius often times behind the denim warehouse.


As a man, a man filled with testosterone, I sometimes have to go through great lenghts to get pleasure. Yes, I think a hot woman's vagina or mouth is the way to go, but sometimes, even I, dear reader strike out, and must partake in alternate methods of "release." Here are a few great ideas, and some godawful ones to get the job done..


1) Hand action: This is probably the most conventional idea, and hence the easiest. Take your right hand and put some lubricant, such as vaseline, sweat, pre-cum, or vegetable oil, and then wrap it around your penis, and stroke, stroke away. Just make sure you have a tube sock or ziploc bag to collect the evidence, as you don't want your semen on the floor. A woman out for some cash can use a dipstick and take your semen from the floor, and impregnate herself.


2) The crevice between a mattress and box spring: If you insert your penis in correctly, this can be quite satisfying, as it mirrors the tightness of a 13-year old girl. You can thrust back and forth between the two and the tightness would make even the most flaccid man spooge. Be sure that you are alone when you do this, and no one sits on the bed - as this can cause quick castration.


3) The hose of a vacuum cleaner: This is NOT a great idea, but if you have a vacuum with great suction, like a Dyson or ShopVac has great suction, and hence can be used for a blow-job type action, though it might be a little bit on the dry side. If you're going to use the hose of a vacuum cleaner, make sure you lubricated your little buddy, again with some sweat, vaseline, or pre-cum, otherwise the hose may chafe the skin or your penis.

4) Someone's mouth: Provided you don't care, and you're wearing a blindfold, you can use any mouth available; man, woman, animal, who cares? With a blindfold, you can claim ignorance, so you're essentially absolved from a future claim of being gay. The only problem is if the person sucking you off has the GC, then you might get it, but again, if you're wearing a blindfold, then all is good.

5) The resident fat girl: Sadly, dear readers, your author has done his fair share of the fat girls. I think I had a rotation of 4 or 5 at one time, because before I was the resident master of the Denim Warehouse, I had a .100 batting average, but I was a much better hitter when it came to the fatties. Yes, I had a little self respect when pounding the resident fat girl, but at least I was satisfied.

There are so many ways to please yourself, dear readers, but this is my list. Please feel free to submit suggestions, as I will take them under advisement. Enjoy pleasuring yourself, it's your duty!