Friends of the blog, as the holiday season approaches us, there are a list of things that I want to give my thanks for, things that I am proud to have in my life, and overall stuff that I appreciate, so with no further adieu, here is a list of things I am thankful for:
1) Great friends: Fernanado Lunarzano, Malcolm James McCurry, and Chang Lee - you are the greatest. Your ideas keep the blog rolling and you each suck balls. Can't wait for Chang's disco flatbed truck!
2) BBW's - when I strike out at the local bar, you give me a warm place to insert my penis and an excuse to wake up early in the morning to redeem myself. Geez girl, you so big, I can completely cover myself in your rolls of fat, so when I'm with you from 2-5 AM, I don't even need a blanket.
3) (Legal) Party Favors - when I meet a girl who is a prude, if she (willingly, of course) takes you, she's willing to accept my spooge inside her, no matter what.
4) False Identities - I love you! If it wasn't for you, I'd be on the hook for a lot of child support, and of course be paying for a lot of condoms. So many times I have used the name Clay Banshee, and the women have bought it. For all you readers don't be stupid and use your real name, and wear socks when you go to some stupid bitch's house, it's a sure way to get caught. Remember, your only real protection is your false identity. Why waste so much money on a condom?
5) Diseased girls - I'm glad I met you, because I can get pity sex out of you, since you're not going to turn me down. I mean, why would a girl who is about to die turn me down? Find a nice looking girl with cancer or diabetes and let her know how hot you find her. You're surely going to get some pre-mortem fellatio. Just don't catch the chemo!
6) Antonio Lopez - You have taught me how to get any girl just by pretending to be a Latin Lover. Just change the "Y" in any word to a "J" and boom, the panties come off. My closing ratio has improved by 36.2% since I changed my name from Phil Asheeyo to Antonio Lopez-Suarez. Joos remember ladies, I can provide payyon at any time joo want, joos spread jor legs.
7) Cleveland Steamer, Indiana Icepick, Calcutta Creampie, and the Shanghai Shooter - No bitch can ever say that I'm not cultured. I know the ways of my urban friends in Cleveland and Indiana, and I know the international ways of my friends in India and China. Gotta love the Chinese - they so dirty.
With the holidays coming, a special thanks to the above! Phil is going to be on hiatus beginning Thursday, November 27th, until Monday, December 8th. Keep reading the blog though, as it is going to be 78% more tasteless and 81% more groin grabbing!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
How to determine if a woman is marriage material
Gentlemen, I know some of you out there may decide at some point that the prudent thing to do is to get married. After all, we are in a recession, and if you can get someone else to throw some cash into the till, why not? Before you decide to take the plunge and allow someone access to your bank account, here are some determining factors, you must consider.
1) She better not be a BBW - we all know that while BBW's will suck anywhere you want and let you act out any and all fetishes you might desire, but do you think a BBW has any real potential. Also, do you really want to introduce Ms. Cholesterol Saturated Fat, as your wife at the company picnic?
2) If you marry a BBW, she better not have kids - do you really want to take care of some other person's trash? Every time you look at the bastard children of your BBW wife, Ms. Cholesterol Saturated Fat, you have to see the face of the man who your BBW wife allowed to penetrate her, and probably drop a steamer on her chest.
3) Just don't marry a BBW - while they are a great 2-5'er, I've just given you two reasons for why a BBW is not marriage material.
4) Takes serious health ailments in stride - nothing is more of a mood killer than your wife not being DTF if she finds out she has the cancer, diabetes, or menopause. So what? You don't have cancer, and you're DTF, so your wife better take in your little buddy. Just make sure if your wife has cancer, you don't catch the chemo - it kills.
5) Knows the meaning of Cap'n save-a-hoe and other urban slang - nothing looks worse than if a woman doesn't know the meaning of Cap'n save-a-hoe, Pigeon, Scrub, Skeezer, Trick hoe, et al. Make sure that she is educated on the lingo of the hood, so if she hears one of the aforementioned at a cookout, she doesn't have to be educated.
6) Has a tight vaginal area - Face it, a woman who is not tight, is used. We can spooge in any woman we want, but women are supposed to remain clean and virginal until we decide we want to spooge in their vagina. Doing a loose girl is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway - you want the girl to be so tight that she can feel everything you have inside her, whether it be a penis, fist, or foreign object.
7) She better be impervious to the latin payyon - If your hoe meets criteria 1-6, the most important hurdle to overcome is that she needs to be impervious to Antonio Lopez, the resident latin lover. Just whisper this into her ear: "Joo wanna some payyon in jor mouth," and if she gives you an odd look, you know she's a keeper. However, if asking her "Joo wanna some payyon in jor mouth," makes her tingle, you know she'll dump you for Antonio Lopez as soon as she sees him.
Good luck men, I hope this list works. Keep in mind, that when and if you get married, that joo (you) make sure she meets all the criteria. If not, just spooge in her and get the hell out of dodge. You must never reveal your real identity or wear socks, until you know she's the one for you!
1) She better not be a BBW - we all know that while BBW's will suck anywhere you want and let you act out any and all fetishes you might desire, but do you think a BBW has any real potential. Also, do you really want to introduce Ms. Cholesterol Saturated Fat, as your wife at the company picnic?
2) If you marry a BBW, she better not have kids - do you really want to take care of some other person's trash? Every time you look at the bastard children of your BBW wife, Ms. Cholesterol Saturated Fat, you have to see the face of the man who your BBW wife allowed to penetrate her, and probably drop a steamer on her chest.
3) Just don't marry a BBW - while they are a great 2-5'er, I've just given you two reasons for why a BBW is not marriage material.
4) Takes serious health ailments in stride - nothing is more of a mood killer than your wife not being DTF if she finds out she has the cancer, diabetes, or menopause. So what? You don't have cancer, and you're DTF, so your wife better take in your little buddy. Just make sure if your wife has cancer, you don't catch the chemo - it kills.
5) Knows the meaning of Cap'n save-a-hoe and other urban slang - nothing looks worse than if a woman doesn't know the meaning of Cap'n save-a-hoe, Pigeon, Scrub, Skeezer, Trick hoe, et al. Make sure that she is educated on the lingo of the hood, so if she hears one of the aforementioned at a cookout, she doesn't have to be educated.
6) Has a tight vaginal area - Face it, a woman who is not tight, is used. We can spooge in any woman we want, but women are supposed to remain clean and virginal until we decide we want to spooge in their vagina. Doing a loose girl is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway - you want the girl to be so tight that she can feel everything you have inside her, whether it be a penis, fist, or foreign object.
7) She better be impervious to the latin payyon - If your hoe meets criteria 1-6, the most important hurdle to overcome is that she needs to be impervious to Antonio Lopez, the resident latin lover. Just whisper this into her ear: "Joo wanna some payyon in jor mouth," and if she gives you an odd look, you know she's a keeper. However, if asking her "Joo wanna some payyon in jor mouth," makes her tingle, you know she'll dump you for Antonio Lopez as soon as she sees him.
Good luck men, I hope this list works. Keep in mind, that when and if you get married, that joo (you) make sure she meets all the criteria. If not, just spooge in her and get the hell out of dodge. You must never reveal your real identity or wear socks, until you know she's the one for you!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
A temporary goodbye, denimwarehouse readers
Today, friends, I must bid a temporary adieu to all of Phil's readers. I am moving across this beautiful c(o)untry and will be without internet until Saturday, November 22nd. At that point, I will be back, with more fire and payyon (Passion) than ever!
I would like to honor the three biggest contributors to the denimwarehouse, and in no particular order, here they are:
1) Chang Lee: You so nasty. If I ever get the money together to buy a flat bed truck, you're dancing on said flatbed. We'll start the "Chang Lee Dance Party." Keep the dream alive!
2) Malcolm James McCurry: A special congrats brother! We got Obama in office, and now we have to help our friends like Nug Nug and Tummyache get real jobs. Represent forever, foo!
3) Fernando Lunarzano: You are so fabulous! Keep drinking the wheatgrass and aloe vera. Joo gotta keep putting the hoes in Stage 5.
With that, I'm done for a few days, getting my new place of residence set up, but I'll leave you with this...tasteless things to do when you're bored:
1) Take a woman who has a stub instead of a hand on a date and see if she can stub (rather than fist) herself, or your ass.
2) Take a woman who has cancer to the park for a walk, and steal her chemo
3) Go on a date with a woman who has a prosthetic limb and see how many orifices on her body you can spooge in.
4) Steal said woman's prosthetic limb and sell it for the essentials like party favors, quaaludes, and crack.
5) Visit the local pizzaria and Yaaaaaaaaow it up with the local high school girls.
6) Perfect jor latin accent
Thanks for your support! Come back November 24th, as Phil will be back with an all new blog.
I would like to honor the three biggest contributors to the denimwarehouse, and in no particular order, here they are:
1) Chang Lee: You so nasty. If I ever get the money together to buy a flat bed truck, you're dancing on said flatbed. We'll start the "Chang Lee Dance Party." Keep the dream alive!
2) Malcolm James McCurry: A special congrats brother! We got Obama in office, and now we have to help our friends like Nug Nug and Tummyache get real jobs. Represent forever, foo!
3) Fernando Lunarzano: You are so fabulous! Keep drinking the wheatgrass and aloe vera. Joo gotta keep putting the hoes in Stage 5.
With that, I'm done for a few days, getting my new place of residence set up, but I'll leave you with this...tasteless things to do when you're bored:
1) Take a woman who has a stub instead of a hand on a date and see if she can stub (rather than fist) herself, or your ass.
2) Take a woman who has cancer to the park for a walk, and steal her chemo
3) Go on a date with a woman who has a prosthetic limb and see how many orifices on her body you can spooge in.
4) Steal said woman's prosthetic limb and sell it for the essentials like party favors, quaaludes, and crack.
5) Visit the local pizzaria and Yaaaaaaaaow it up with the local high school girls.
6) Perfect jor latin accent
Thanks for your support! Come back November 24th, as Phil will be back with an all new blog.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Some new and taste(less)ful products
Friends, I am an innovator, after all, I come up with 69% of the material on this blog, and with the holidays around the corner, it's a good time for me to put out my mind to good use.
For those overly fertile women you spooge in:
Dr. Twistee's home abortion kit. This kit includes some party favors, a bottle of cheap champagne, a champagne flute, and a wire coat hanger, with instructions on how to unbend the wire coat hanger and use it to take care of the abortion.
For the woman who gets out of line sometimes:
Big Bill's Backhand in a Box. If you don't want to use your hand to backhand that cunt when she won't suck your dick, you can buy Big Bill's Backhand in a Box which includes a fake arm and hand attached to it. The lifelike arm will ensure that every woman you come across knows who's boss.
If you want to tell women you're a latin lover:
Antonio Lopez in jor pocket: This kit will turn every non latin-non lover into a latin lover without plastic surgery. Includes a microphone and a small, but powerful speaker you put in jor (your)pocket. You say something like: Hello, female, would you like to dance with me, but the output is: Hola lady, joo want some payyon on the dence floor. This device will have all the ladies going crazy for their payyonate latin man.
For the BBW who plays hard to get:
Bill Cosby's Pudding scented Penis: If you go, at 2 AM, to see a BBW to get some fellatio, and she's not sucking, or biting for that matter, just spray a few drops of Bill Cosby's Pudding scented Penis and the BBW, like a dog in heat, will run to your nether regions rip your trousers off and start licking your pudding pop. Make sure you don't spray too much, as the BBW's are always on the prowl for food, and you don't want them to bite your little buddy, just lick and suck it dry. Note: BBW's have NO RIGHT to play hard to get, as they should be thankful you want to fuck them.
If you want to nail a woman who has cancer:
Bob's Bald cap and Sammy's Syringes: You just take Bob's bald cap and put in on your head so it looks like you've lost your hair from the chemo radiation therapy, and you keep some of Sammy's Syringes, which of course are fakes, in your jacket pocket, and you go to a cancer group home and you tell the hoes recovering from cancer that you need to feel like a man again, and with Bob's Bald cap and Sammy's Syringes, how will they prove you wrong? Just make sure that when you are granted entry, you use extra precaution, otherwise, you'll catch the chemo.
I've given you 5 solid ideas for making some money, now get working! There is mucho dinero that needs to be made in these tough times, and these new products are gonna fly off the shelf. The only question is, are you going to make these products, or am I?
Chris Mud.
For those overly fertile women you spooge in:
Dr. Twistee's home abortion kit. This kit includes some party favors, a bottle of cheap champagne, a champagne flute, and a wire coat hanger, with instructions on how to unbend the wire coat hanger and use it to take care of the abortion.
For the woman who gets out of line sometimes:
Big Bill's Backhand in a Box. If you don't want to use your hand to backhand that cunt when she won't suck your dick, you can buy Big Bill's Backhand in a Box which includes a fake arm and hand attached to it. The lifelike arm will ensure that every woman you come across knows who's boss.
If you want to tell women you're a latin lover:
Antonio Lopez in jor pocket: This kit will turn every non latin-non lover into a latin lover without plastic surgery. Includes a microphone and a small, but powerful speaker you put in jor (your)pocket. You say something like: Hello, female, would you like to dance with me, but the output is: Hola lady, joo want some payyon on the dence floor. This device will have all the ladies going crazy for their payyonate latin man.
For the BBW who plays hard to get:
Bill Cosby's Pudding scented Penis: If you go, at 2 AM, to see a BBW to get some fellatio, and she's not sucking, or biting for that matter, just spray a few drops of Bill Cosby's Pudding scented Penis and the BBW, like a dog in heat, will run to your nether regions rip your trousers off and start licking your pudding pop. Make sure you don't spray too much, as the BBW's are always on the prowl for food, and you don't want them to bite your little buddy, just lick and suck it dry. Note: BBW's have NO RIGHT to play hard to get, as they should be thankful you want to fuck them.
If you want to nail a woman who has cancer:
Bob's Bald cap and Sammy's Syringes: You just take Bob's bald cap and put in on your head so it looks like you've lost your hair from the chemo radiation therapy, and you keep some of Sammy's Syringes, which of course are fakes, in your jacket pocket, and you go to a cancer group home and you tell the hoes recovering from cancer that you need to feel like a man again, and with Bob's Bald cap and Sammy's Syringes, how will they prove you wrong? Just make sure that when you are granted entry, you use extra precaution, otherwise, you'll catch the chemo.
I've given you 5 solid ideas for making some money, now get working! There is mucho dinero that needs to be made in these tough times, and these new products are gonna fly off the shelf. The only question is, are you going to make these products, or am I?
Chris Mud.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Great one-liners to tell a woman
As a man, sometimes I am at a loss for words when it comes to articulating my feelings to a woman. Do I complement them? Do I tell them the brutally honest truth? What do I do?? For instance if a woman and I just fornicated, what should I say? I mean I've just been sucked dry and all I want is a sandwich, but women are often stupid and want to talk. See yesterday's blog, as it is socially acceptiable to backhand a woman if she either a) wants to cuddle, or b) wants to talk about her kitty cat.
That being said, here are some good one liners to use if you meet a woman and are trying to pick her up:
1) "I want to suck your vaj juice clean."
2) "I'd like to give you a bikini wax with my teeth"
3) "You can use my face as your personal bidet"
4) "I want to cum inside you and get you pregnant"
5) "Joo wanna some latin payyon in jor mouth?" (Mexican for You want some latin passion in your mouth)
6) For a BBW: "I want to feed you my cock all night long" (Since they like to eat)
7) For an underage girl: "In 6 months (or whenever she turns 18) I can face fuck you and you can't tell on me."
8) For a family member you're related to, not by blood: "Girl, we can make kids and they won't be born retarted and shit."
Great lines to use after sex, to convey to the cunt that you enjoyed it:
1) "Girl, you suck dick like a fag"
2) If you spooged inside a girl: "I don't want a sandwich, I just want to stick my summer sausage in your buns"
3) If you just face fucked a BBW: "Damn girl, I didn't know you could eat so much spooge, you fucking glutton."
4) If you fucked a BBW: "Wow, you're tighter than I thought"
5) If you just fucked a virgin: "You're not bad, but you need to take a dick like a fag, so practice a little before calling me"
6) If you just fucked a woman you're related to, not by blood: "You're a fucking champ girl, you've just taken two Lunarzanos (or whatever your last name might be) in your cunt and mouth."
7) If you fucked another BBW: "Can I use your shirt to wipe up, since it's big enough for two."
8) "I want to run a train on you with thirteen of my closest homies"
These are your top 8 lines to tell a woman. Be sure you mix it up and drop some party favors in there for maximum results.
Chris Mud
That being said, here are some good one liners to use if you meet a woman and are trying to pick her up:
1) "I want to suck your vaj juice clean."
2) "I'd like to give you a bikini wax with my teeth"
3) "You can use my face as your personal bidet"
4) "I want to cum inside you and get you pregnant"
5) "Joo wanna some latin payyon in jor mouth?" (Mexican for You want some latin passion in your mouth)
6) For a BBW: "I want to feed you my cock all night long" (Since they like to eat)
7) For an underage girl: "In 6 months (or whenever she turns 18) I can face fuck you and you can't tell on me."
8) For a family member you're related to, not by blood: "Girl, we can make kids and they won't be born retarted and shit."
Great lines to use after sex, to convey to the cunt that you enjoyed it:
1) "Girl, you suck dick like a fag"
2) If you spooged inside a girl: "I don't want a sandwich, I just want to stick my summer sausage in your buns"
3) If you just face fucked a BBW: "Damn girl, I didn't know you could eat so much spooge, you fucking glutton."
4) If you fucked a BBW: "Wow, you're tighter than I thought"
5) If you just fucked a virgin: "You're not bad, but you need to take a dick like a fag, so practice a little before calling me"
6) If you just fucked a woman you're related to, not by blood: "You're a fucking champ girl, you've just taken two Lunarzanos (or whatever your last name might be) in your cunt and mouth."
7) If you fucked another BBW: "Can I use your shirt to wipe up, since it's big enough for two."
8) "I want to run a train on you with thirteen of my closest homies"
These are your top 8 lines to tell a woman. Be sure you mix it up and drop some party favors in there for maximum results.
Chris Mud
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Scenarios where it would be okay to backhand a woman
I am not a fan of violence, but sometimes that hoe needs to be reminded who's boss around these parts. Not every woman needs to be put in check, but sometimes that select woman who speaks out of turn needs to be back handed, to remind her when to get on her knees.
Scenario # 1
When you're fingering a girl and she won't return the favor but giving you a hand job, you definitely need to remind her who's in charge. Backhand that cunt and remind her that you're doing her a favor. After that, she'll not only stroke you off, but she'll give you apology fellatio.
Scenario # 2
When you're over at a BBW's house between 2 and 5 AM, and she won't allow you to enact your fetishes (like dropping a steamer) or she's not hungry enough to give you fellatio. Backhand the 2-5er and remind her of how much of a glutton she is.
Scenario # 3
If the woman finds out your real name, backhand her until she gets amnesia or until she forgets what you look like. You need to always protect yourself with a fake identity, fake cell phone #, and the like, but if you slip up, backhand her and then go to get a new set of papers.
Scenario # 4
Backhanding a woman of color for being, well, ethnic. Here is a list of the color breakdown of women and whether to backhand them or not:
Black Women: Don't backhand her - she'll get the hood on you
Mexican Women: Backhand her, but watch out, she might get pregnant
Oriental Women: Backhand all you want, they like to serve their men
White Women: Backhand all you want, they like being manhandled
If you wear a blindfold while you backhand a woman, you get a mulligan.
Scenario # 5
If a woman rejects party favors, you better backhand that cunt. Any time a woman doesn't show appreciation for a present, whether it be a face-fuck, a cream-pie, or some Quaaludes, you need to remind her that she better be thankful.
Remember now, it's never okay to backhand a woman if there is no reason behind it, but for the above reasons, I say, go for it. Some women are cunts and therefore need to be reminded to give us entry in their cunt.
Scenario # 1
When you're fingering a girl and she won't return the favor but giving you a hand job, you definitely need to remind her who's in charge. Backhand that cunt and remind her that you're doing her a favor. After that, she'll not only stroke you off, but she'll give you apology fellatio.
Scenario # 2
When you're over at a BBW's house between 2 and 5 AM, and she won't allow you to enact your fetishes (like dropping a steamer) or she's not hungry enough to give you fellatio. Backhand the 2-5er and remind her of how much of a glutton she is.
Scenario # 3
If the woman finds out your real name, backhand her until she gets amnesia or until she forgets what you look like. You need to always protect yourself with a fake identity, fake cell phone #, and the like, but if you slip up, backhand her and then go to get a new set of papers.
Scenario # 4
Backhanding a woman of color for being, well, ethnic. Here is a list of the color breakdown of women and whether to backhand them or not:
Black Women: Don't backhand her - she'll get the hood on you
Mexican Women: Backhand her, but watch out, she might get pregnant
Oriental Women: Backhand all you want, they like to serve their men
White Women: Backhand all you want, they like being manhandled
If you wear a blindfold while you backhand a woman, you get a mulligan.
Scenario # 5
If a woman rejects party favors, you better backhand that cunt. Any time a woman doesn't show appreciation for a present, whether it be a face-fuck, a cream-pie, or some Quaaludes, you need to remind her that she better be thankful.
Remember now, it's never okay to backhand a woman if there is no reason behind it, but for the above reasons, I say, go for it. Some women are cunts and therefore need to be reminded to give us entry in their cunt.
What to buy your whore, skank, skeezer, BBW, or pigeon for Christmas
"Christmas is coming
BBW needs to eat
A ho-ho or mallo-mar
or some food that is sweet
If you have not a mallo-mar
a snickers bar will do the trick
If you have not a snickers bar
she'll gladly suck your dick"
With christmas around the corner and our economy suffering, you may have to save a little more this year to get that special woman a christmas gift. While there are still 43 days until the birth of Christ, you may have to get your pennies together, and when you have your piggy bank ready, here is a guide of presents to get that special lady.
For the BBW:
The BBW will be happy with a case of mallo-mars or some ho-ho's. Make sure you show up when you know she's ready to eat, because after she eats the case of mallo-mar's, she's going to suck you dry. Again, the BBW is a creature you must never see in the light of day, so show up at 2 AM, give her the gift, face fuck the shit out of her, and leave by 5 AM.
For the girl you just fingered:
This is tricky, because you want to nail the girl you just fingered, but sometimes a little patience is needed. Stage # 1 girl should get a home pregnancy test. Show up to her house with some party favors and a Sade CD. After taking some party favors, pound deep and hard into her Vaj, making sure you get every last drop of spooge inside of her. Remember, you pay for the home pregnancy test with cash and she doesn't know your real name.
For the girl about to turn 18:
If you know a hot 17 (or 16) year old girl, you can get her a countdown clock which shows all zeros on her 18th birthday, so that when she turns 18, she knows exactly whose penis will be releasing spooge inside her. Again, you never disclose your real name to any women, this will surely fuck shit up.
For the girl who is related to you, not by blood:
Hot aunt, stepsister, or step-mom? Butter her up and let her vaj marinate by giving her a coupon for a free massage, from you, of course. Give that favorite female relative a nice shoulder - then back - then clit massage and while you're touching her clit, you might as well stick your penis in there. For that special relative, you definitely want to wear a condom. It's the only time Phil endorses the use of a jimmy hat.
Remember, it's Christmas, so a little generosity goes a long, long way. Be sure that when you present that special lady in your life her Christmas present, that you are lubed up, and ready to go. You never want to deprive yourself of an opportunity to nail that hoe during the holiday season.
BBW needs to eat
A ho-ho or mallo-mar
or some food that is sweet
If you have not a mallo-mar
a snickers bar will do the trick
If you have not a snickers bar
she'll gladly suck your dick"
With christmas around the corner and our economy suffering, you may have to save a little more this year to get that special woman a christmas gift. While there are still 43 days until the birth of Christ, you may have to get your pennies together, and when you have your piggy bank ready, here is a guide of presents to get that special lady.
For the BBW:
The BBW will be happy with a case of mallo-mars or some ho-ho's. Make sure you show up when you know she's ready to eat, because after she eats the case of mallo-mar's, she's going to suck you dry. Again, the BBW is a creature you must never see in the light of day, so show up at 2 AM, give her the gift, face fuck the shit out of her, and leave by 5 AM.
For the girl you just fingered:
This is tricky, because you want to nail the girl you just fingered, but sometimes a little patience is needed. Stage # 1 girl should get a home pregnancy test. Show up to her house with some party favors and a Sade CD. After taking some party favors, pound deep and hard into her Vaj, making sure you get every last drop of spooge inside of her. Remember, you pay for the home pregnancy test with cash and she doesn't know your real name.
For the girl about to turn 18:
If you know a hot 17 (or 16) year old girl, you can get her a countdown clock which shows all zeros on her 18th birthday, so that when she turns 18, she knows exactly whose penis will be releasing spooge inside her. Again, you never disclose your real name to any women, this will surely fuck shit up.
For the girl who is related to you, not by blood:
Hot aunt, stepsister, or step-mom? Butter her up and let her vaj marinate by giving her a coupon for a free massage, from you, of course. Give that favorite female relative a nice shoulder - then back - then clit massage and while you're touching her clit, you might as well stick your penis in there. For that special relative, you definitely want to wear a condom. It's the only time Phil endorses the use of a jimmy hat.
Remember, it's Christmas, so a little generosity goes a long, long way. Be sure that when you present that special lady in your life her Christmas present, that you are lubed up, and ready to go. You never want to deprive yourself of an opportunity to nail that hoe during the holiday season.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Dead women who I'd be down to do...
As a red-blodded American man, I like to jack off. I lubricate my hands with some sweat and I go to town on my little buddy, and of course I like to stroke my little buddy while watching a pornographic movie, old 90210 episodes, or of course, Rachel Ray. That being said, we often forget the women who have left us, and I submit to you, a list of some departed women, who I would love to penetrate.
1) Jacqueline Kennedy Onaissis - You know she has some DSL's, after all she married two rich guys and no rich guy would marry a hoe who can't give fellatio. That being said, I've seen some pictures of her and I would love to finger her while she looks me in the eyes. Even as she got older, even as the pussy became dry, I would still use my sweat to lube her up.
2) Caroline Bessett Kennedy - Like her departed mother in law, you know she's down for whatever fetishes you have, as a girl has to do what is needed to attract the rich men. I would love to face f*ck her or stick my penis between her breasts.
3) Laci Peterson - There is something innocent and/or virginal about her, which makes me want her. Yeah she was a little chunky, so you know she's open to taking all of you in every hole on her body. I wouldn't go so far as to call her a 2-5er, since she's a moderate BBW - maybe she's a 1-6er.
4) Marilyn Monroe - I want to stroke my penis while watching that tape of her sucking some man's dick, because after that, I could only imagine what she would do to me. A young starlet in the 1940's - you know she's always DTF.
5) Margaux Hemingway - She died of an eating disorder, so imagine if she had met me before she died. I would have fed her my cock, and probably saved her life, and she would have had to service me on a regular basis.
6) Terri Schiavo - Before she decided to become a vegetable, she looked pretty good. I would have definitely starched my tube sock looking at her pictures, but then she fucked up and got hospitalized. Since she had a feeding tube in her mouth, you know she's down for some other type of tube. Bonus - you could have done some dirty deeds while she was in the hospital, and you wouldn't need protection, because there's no way she would know who you are.
Special Phil Bonus:
1) Jon Benet Ramsey - She would be in the tickler file, but you know at 18 she would have been down to have that ass spread. Kids who grow up with pushy parents have serious issues and that would have been hot.
Ok, so now I'm going to hell very fast, but before you judge me, it's not my fault that the hoes on my list decided to die. I can't control what makes me hard, so if you have a problem with that, go fist yourself.
1) Jacqueline Kennedy Onaissis - You know she has some DSL's, after all she married two rich guys and no rich guy would marry a hoe who can't give fellatio. That being said, I've seen some pictures of her and I would love to finger her while she looks me in the eyes. Even as she got older, even as the pussy became dry, I would still use my sweat to lube her up.
2) Caroline Bessett Kennedy - Like her departed mother in law, you know she's down for whatever fetishes you have, as a girl has to do what is needed to attract the rich men. I would love to face f*ck her or stick my penis between her breasts.
3) Laci Peterson - There is something innocent and/or virginal about her, which makes me want her. Yeah she was a little chunky, so you know she's open to taking all of you in every hole on her body. I wouldn't go so far as to call her a 2-5er, since she's a moderate BBW - maybe she's a 1-6er.
4) Marilyn Monroe - I want to stroke my penis while watching that tape of her sucking some man's dick, because after that, I could only imagine what she would do to me. A young starlet in the 1940's - you know she's always DTF.
5) Margaux Hemingway - She died of an eating disorder, so imagine if she had met me before she died. I would have fed her my cock, and probably saved her life, and she would have had to service me on a regular basis.
6) Terri Schiavo - Before she decided to become a vegetable, she looked pretty good. I would have definitely starched my tube sock looking at her pictures, but then she fucked up and got hospitalized. Since she had a feeding tube in her mouth, you know she's down for some other type of tube. Bonus - you could have done some dirty deeds while she was in the hospital, and you wouldn't need protection, because there's no way she would know who you are.
Special Phil Bonus:
1) Jon Benet Ramsey - She would be in the tickler file, but you know at 18 she would have been down to have that ass spread. Kids who grow up with pushy parents have serious issues and that would have been hot.
Ok, so now I'm going to hell very fast, but before you judge me, it's not my fault that the hoes on my list decided to die. I can't control what makes me hard, so if you have a problem with that, go fist yourself.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The tickler file
Readers in blog land, there comes a time when a man has to prepare, prepare for important things like retiring, buying a house, putting aside that extra dollar or two to buy the essentials like doobies, or general party favors.
What about forecasting your future poon? You probably are getting nice pieces of strange ass every night, but in 10-15 years, what will you do?
Option # 1: Wear a blindfold and anything goes!
Option # 2: The tickler file - forecasting tomorrow's poon, today! You put girls, ages newborn to 17 in the tickler, as if it's a wine cellar. You let them mature and marinate, and when they reach 18, or the age of consent in their location, you pounce on them. Yaaaaaaaow!
Here is my tickler file:
1) Miley Cyrus - Not too hot, but she's already posed in some naughty magazines and she's dating an older man, so you know she's DTF. All signs point to a future hoe which Phil's readers could definitely enjoy a few hours of payyon (passion) with.
What about forecasting your future poon? You probably are getting nice pieces of strange ass every night, but in 10-15 years, what will you do?
Option # 1: Wear a blindfold and anything goes!
Option # 2: The tickler file - forecasting tomorrow's poon, today! You put girls, ages newborn to 17 in the tickler, as if it's a wine cellar. You let them mature and marinate, and when they reach 18, or the age of consent in their location, you pounce on them. Yaaaaaaaow!
Here is my tickler file:
1) Miley Cyrus - Not too hot, but she's already posed in some naughty magazines and she's dating an older man, so you know she's DTF. All signs point to a future hoe which Phil's readers could definitely enjoy a few hours of payyon (passion) with.
2) Dakota Fanning - She was a cutie pixie-type girl and then she went through puberty and now she's getting a rack and some DSL's. Plus, you don't see any naughty pictures of her which means there is something nubile and pure about her.
3) Abigail Breslin - The chick from Little Miss Sunshine - If you saw that movie, you could tell she is a funny girl, so the personality is definitely there. That being said, she could stand to lose about 15-20 pounds, but when she gets to 18, she's a definite 2-5er with the potential of so much more.
4) Willow Palin - Sarah Palin's 14 year old daughter is definitely DTF. Look at her elder sister and her mom, plus in Alaska, what else do they do? Other than crystal meth. Willow, like Abigail Breslin, can afford to stop eating cupcakes for a while, but I'd love to spread that ass, in about 4 years. That being said, if Willow Palin keeps eating, then she's a BBW, and you know that a BBW is good for. A special shout out to Palin's other daughter, the little one, Piper. Did you see her lick her retard brother's head during the convention. She's down for incest. That's hot. Note: If you do a Palin, wear a condom, as the Palins are overly fertile. You know she'd rather be holding a dick than a retarded child in that pic.
5) Malia and Sasha Obama - Just look at their mom. Michelle Obama is a MILF, and we'll get to see the Obama girls grow up in front of our very eyes. There is something hot about seeing a girl, whom your not related to (or related to, not by blood) grow up in front of you, you get to see them buy their first piece of naughty clothing, and eventually you'll see their escapades. If they turn out like Michelle...just watch out..Sit on my faaaaaaaaaaaace! (at the age of 18)
Distant future tickler file:
1) Shiloh Pitt and Suri Cruise - I can't wait to see the train wreck they are, all the drugs they're going to do, and all the guys they're going to allow enter them. That being said, it should be fun to have a romp with Shiloh or Suri once they get to 18, just because.
1) Shiloh Pitt and Suri Cruise - I can't wait to see the train wreck they are, all the drugs they're going to do, and all the guys they're going to allow enter them. That being said, it should be fun to have a romp with Shiloh or Suri once they get to 18, just because.
2) Matilda Ledger - Since her daddy's dead, she's going to have serious issues. Any time a woman has daddy issues, it's a sign that she's good to go, once she's legal.
Monday, November 3, 2008
All about BBW's
The BBW is known for many things. For one, they are big, often times bigger than two or three men combined, and their appetite, is quite voracious. Legend has it, that one BBW sucked off 14 men in 5 minutes and didn't even break a sweat.
So anyways, here is some information about BBW's, what to do with them, where to find them, and of course how to use them for your personal advantage:
1) Where do I find a BBW?
Answer: You can find BBW's at any restaurant where large quantities of food are available for low prices. (BBW's rarely have good jobs because they eat too much at work) Some popular hangouts for BBW's include Hometown Buffet, Olive Garden, Denny's, and IHOP just to name a few.
2) Should I get seriously involved with a BBW?
Answer: Not unless you have serious self esteem issues. A BBW will make even the nerdiest man's stock decline worse than Lehman Brothers. A BBW is a 2-5 er. You see them at 2 AM, recieve fellatio at 3 AM, penetrate and spooge in her at 4 AM, and you're out of her house by 5 AM.
3) What kind of activities should I engage in with a BBW?
Answer: Anything dirty and sexual. You may find it hard to ask that southern belle permission for you to drop a steamer on her, but a BBW would take it as a great honor to have a load dropped on her. After all, a BBW yearns for a man's attention, so you can act out all your fetishes on her - want you salad tossed? BBW will do that! Want to give someone a golden shower? BBW will gladly bathe in your fluids!. Just remember - a BBW is a 2-5 er.
4) Should I give a present to a BBW?
Answer: Normally, when you give a woman a gift, it is for entrance into her golden temple, but when you meet a BBW, you're guaranteed entry so no need for a big present. Take a case of twinkies or some Suzy-Q's and she'll suck you off double time. Don't spend any unnecessary money on BBW's. Save your money for important things like crack, MD 20/20 and doobies.
5) How should I introduce myself to a BBW?
Answer: Make up your name, identity and occupation. If your name is Malcolm McCurry, to a BBW, introduce yourself as JaJuan Crosby. When you call her, call from a pre-paid cell phone and remember, wearing a condom is for chumps. Your protection is your false name and identity.
Friends, when nailing a BBW, just remember, no socks, no watch, and no leaving your green glasses behind. Once you do that, the BBW can provide you hours of fun. Just don't do something stupid like taking care of her kids or letting her know where you (really) live.
So anyways, here is some information about BBW's, what to do with them, where to find them, and of course how to use them for your personal advantage:
1) Where do I find a BBW?
Answer: You can find BBW's at any restaurant where large quantities of food are available for low prices. (BBW's rarely have good jobs because they eat too much at work) Some popular hangouts for BBW's include Hometown Buffet, Olive Garden, Denny's, and IHOP just to name a few.
2) Should I get seriously involved with a BBW?
Answer: Not unless you have serious self esteem issues. A BBW will make even the nerdiest man's stock decline worse than Lehman Brothers. A BBW is a 2-5 er. You see them at 2 AM, recieve fellatio at 3 AM, penetrate and spooge in her at 4 AM, and you're out of her house by 5 AM.
3) What kind of activities should I engage in with a BBW?
Answer: Anything dirty and sexual. You may find it hard to ask that southern belle permission for you to drop a steamer on her, but a BBW would take it as a great honor to have a load dropped on her. After all, a BBW yearns for a man's attention, so you can act out all your fetishes on her - want you salad tossed? BBW will do that! Want to give someone a golden shower? BBW will gladly bathe in your fluids!. Just remember - a BBW is a 2-5 er.
4) Should I give a present to a BBW?
Answer: Normally, when you give a woman a gift, it is for entrance into her golden temple, but when you meet a BBW, you're guaranteed entry so no need for a big present. Take a case of twinkies or some Suzy-Q's and she'll suck you off double time. Don't spend any unnecessary money on BBW's. Save your money for important things like crack, MD 20/20 and doobies.
5) How should I introduce myself to a BBW?
Answer: Make up your name, identity and occupation. If your name is Malcolm McCurry, to a BBW, introduce yourself as JaJuan Crosby. When you call her, call from a pre-paid cell phone and remember, wearing a condom is for chumps. Your protection is your false name and identity.
Friends, when nailing a BBW, just remember, no socks, no watch, and no leaving your green glasses behind. Once you do that, the BBW can provide you hours of fun. Just don't do something stupid like taking care of her kids or letting her know where you (really) live.
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