What to buy your whore, skank, skeezer, BBW, or pigeon for Christmas

"Christmas is coming
BBW needs to eat
A ho-ho or mallo-mar
or some food that is sweet

If you have not a mallo-mar
a snickers bar will do the trick
If you have not a snickers bar
she'll gladly suck your dick"

With christmas around the corner and our economy suffering, you may have to save a little more this year to get that special woman a christmas gift. While there are still 43 days until the birth of Christ, you may have to get your pennies together, and when you have your piggy bank ready, here is a guide of presents to get that special lady.

For the BBW:

The BBW will be happy with a case of mallo-mars or some ho-ho's. Make sure you show up when you know she's ready to eat, because after she eats the case of mallo-mar's, she's going to suck you dry. Again, the BBW is a creature you must never see in the light of day, so show up at 2 AM, give her the gift, face fuck the shit out of her, and leave by 5 AM.

For the girl you just fingered:

This is tricky, because you want to nail the girl you just fingered, but sometimes a little patience is needed. Stage # 1 girl should get a home pregnancy test. Show up to her house with some party favors and a Sade CD. After taking some party favors, pound deep and hard into her Vaj, making sure you get every last drop of spooge inside of her. Remember, you pay for the home pregnancy test with cash and she doesn't know your real name.

For the girl about to turn 18:

If you know a hot 17 (or 16) year old girl, you can get her a countdown clock which shows all zeros on her 18th birthday, so that when she turns 18, she knows exactly whose penis will be releasing spooge inside her. Again, you never disclose your real name to any women, this will surely fuck shit up.

For the girl who is related to you, not by blood:

Hot aunt, stepsister, or step-mom? Butter her up and let her vaj marinate by giving her a coupon for a free massage, from you, of course. Give that favorite female relative a nice shoulder - then back - then clit massage and while you're touching her clit, you might as well stick your penis in there. For that special relative, you definitely want to wear a condom. It's the only time Phil endorses the use of a jimmy hat.

Remember, it's Christmas, so a little generosity goes a long, long way. Be sure that when you present that special lady in your life her Christmas present, that you are lubed up, and ready to go. You never want to deprive yourself of an opportunity to nail that hoe during the holiday season.