Dead Pool: 2009

Without any further adieu, here is my deadpool for 2009

1) John Wooden - No disrespect, but you're 147 years old now. You talk about the good old days when you could buy a steak, a shake, and a hand job for 35 cents and have 11 cents left over to watch a picture show. Anyone who talks about the good old days is just...old.

2) Caroline Kennedy - It's been a while since your brother died, and since you're running for office, it's about time for something to happen to you, since you're part of the most cursed American family ever. Before you get on a plane or go hiking, can I put you in stage 2?

3) Ted Kennedy - Mr. Brain Cancer himself. Stop slurring your words, you decrepit fool. Sometimes, when you lose control over your faculties, it's time to go. Plus, you have cancer.

4) Dick Clark - I saw you on New Years Eve. Speak English man!!! It's not my fault you had a stroke, but you know what, at least I can articulate my thoughts so the average man can understand me. That being said, when you do leave this planet, can I get some fellatio from your wife?

5) Ron Springs - You got a kidney transplant, and instead of being alive to thank your best friend, you went into a coma. What a great friend you are, taking his kidney and becoming a vegetable. You are the Terry Schiavo of 2009.

Here is one anecdote for you to ponder, as we begin our new year...

What do John Travolta and Dr. Dre have in common?

Nothing, but their sons are dead.