Scenarios with a 100% poon closing ratio

As a red blooded man, I often times wonder, how can I get more poon? It's the eternal question bogging down the minds of men everywhere. I'm going to give you some suggestions where you are guaranteed not only some poon, but a 100% closing ratio on poon.

Scenario # 1: You're at a party of some sort and you get pulled into a restroom stall by a woman. This is the fantasy of most guys everywhere, dirty sex in a public restroom. It's a great way to do it, because most girls who pull guys into a restroom stall don't ask supplemental information like name, occupation, or they VIN # from a car. In this scenario, think about it, you can have sex and never be caught sans condom, because the cunt doesn't know your name.

Scenario # 2: You're at a cancer ward at a local hospital and you meet a BBW who happens to be there because she's suffering from (any type) cancer. Rather than befriending her, so that she doesn't die alone, you use her lack of health for your advantage. A simple $4.95 investment in some saline and syringes is all you need to get her in the sack. Show up at the cancer ward and start talking to her, presumably about Twinkies and Mallo-mars and tell her you're also dying of (any type of) cancer and how you are scared of dying as a virgin. If she asks you for proof, take out the syringe and show her your medicene. By then she'll be sucking you dry and letting you face fuck the shit out of her. Just remember to wear a condom, otherwise, you'll get the chemo.

Scenario # 3: You're arguing with some girl about whatever, whether it be money, billing issues, whatever, you just need to shut up and apologize to her. Let the cunt know you're wrong and reach out to her, so that she can suck your dick. When you apologize to a girl, you're rebuilding a broken bridge, one that only receiving fellatio can fix. Since you did something wrong, it's only fair that you apologize, by letting her suck your dick. After she sucks you dry, might as well stage 4 that slut.

Scenario $ 4: If all else fails, go to West Hollywood, wearing a blindfold and let the night progress as it should. Remember, you'll always find a warm mouth and some strange ass to give you what you need, and a blindfold gives you a mulligan.

Keep up the good work, Phil Asheeyans!