I'm back, dear readers, after a 5-month hiatus. The last 5 months have been quite eventful as I was out doing some fact finding for the blog. Honorable mentions to Fernando Lunarzano for finding new types of Chardonnay, Malcolm James McCurry for never giving up on the fried chicken, and Chang Lee, for being an even dirtier hoe than I thought possible.
I've been travelling the far depths of planet earth, looking for people to apologize to, prosthetic limbs to steal, and bald headed cancer girls to point at.
Here's one thing you can do to get a new taste on life:
Go find the most terminally ill woman you can find, someone virtually on her death bed, and lean in to give her a payyonate (Passionate) kiss. After you kiss her, you can tell her "Thanks, I now know what death tastes like"
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A new world order
With the entrance of Barack Obama in the White House, the United States and the rest of the world are going to experience a brand new regime, with a new world order and some not so published rules that one must follow as the Obama reign begins.
No begging without guaranteed fellatio: The United States is going through a recession, and I don't have a cent to spare. If I see you sloppy women begging for my spare change outside a starbucks, your begging better be accompanied by letting me fuck the shit out of your face. If you're not a woman and are begging me for said spare change, if I'm in a good mood and have a blindfold, I might listen.
BBW's are meant for 1 thing: If you're a BBW, your only job is to suck a man's penis dry. During the Bush administration, you said no quite a bit, but as the new regime comes in, you are limited to saying the following words: "Yes," "Slurp Slurp," and "Your penis tastes like a pudding pop." Say anything else and you're a god damn traitor.
If you have a terminal disease, see the above law: Look, sick girl, I, like most men don't give a shit if you're going to die. What have you done for me lately? Nothing, but that can change. Take your oxygen tube out of your nose and choke on my cock. The upside to you dying of a terminal disease is that a man will never sully your repuation and tell his friends you're a slut.
Alternate identities are legal: If you tell a woman your fake name, you might be guilty of fraud, but under the Obama regime, you can tell a woman anything, and if she tries to do research on you, then she's guilty of espionage. A man needs to hide behind his fake identity and the cunts who don't try to seek the truth will be put to the death!
Party favors (of all sorts) are legal too: If you want to get a woman marinating and ready to be face fucked, how can you do it without party favors? Well, during the Bush administration, most party favors were illegal, but now, under the new world order, they're all legal? You can spike a broad's drink with anything you want; catnip, horse tranquilizers, you name it, and if she doesn't let you Stage 4 her, you can sue her for theft.
Man, I love the new world order!
No begging without guaranteed fellatio: The United States is going through a recession, and I don't have a cent to spare. If I see you sloppy women begging for my spare change outside a starbucks, your begging better be accompanied by letting me fuck the shit out of your face. If you're not a woman and are begging me for said spare change, if I'm in a good mood and have a blindfold, I might listen.
BBW's are meant for 1 thing: If you're a BBW, your only job is to suck a man's penis dry. During the Bush administration, you said no quite a bit, but as the new regime comes in, you are limited to saying the following words: "Yes," "Slurp Slurp," and "Your penis tastes like a pudding pop." Say anything else and you're a god damn traitor.
If you have a terminal disease, see the above law: Look, sick girl, I, like most men don't give a shit if you're going to die. What have you done for me lately? Nothing, but that can change. Take your oxygen tube out of your nose and choke on my cock. The upside to you dying of a terminal disease is that a man will never sully your repuation and tell his friends you're a slut.
Alternate identities are legal: If you tell a woman your fake name, you might be guilty of fraud, but under the Obama regime, you can tell a woman anything, and if she tries to do research on you, then she's guilty of espionage. A man needs to hide behind his fake identity and the cunts who don't try to seek the truth will be put to the death!
Party favors (of all sorts) are legal too: If you want to get a woman marinating and ready to be face fucked, how can you do it without party favors? Well, during the Bush administration, most party favors were illegal, but now, under the new world order, they're all legal? You can spike a broad's drink with anything you want; catnip, horse tranquilizers, you name it, and if she doesn't let you Stage 4 her, you can sue her for theft.
Man, I love the new world order!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Scenarios with a 100% poon closing ratio
As a red blooded man, I often times wonder, how can I get more poon? It's the eternal question bogging down the minds of men everywhere. I'm going to give you some suggestions where you are guaranteed not only some poon, but a 100% closing ratio on poon.
Scenario # 1: You're at a party of some sort and you get pulled into a restroom stall by a woman. This is the fantasy of most guys everywhere, dirty sex in a public restroom. It's a great way to do it, because most girls who pull guys into a restroom stall don't ask supplemental information like name, occupation, or they VIN # from a car. In this scenario, think about it, you can have sex and never be caught sans condom, because the cunt doesn't know your name.
Scenario # 2: You're at a cancer ward at a local hospital and you meet a BBW who happens to be there because she's suffering from (any type) cancer. Rather than befriending her, so that she doesn't die alone, you use her lack of health for your advantage. A simple $4.95 investment in some saline and syringes is all you need to get her in the sack. Show up at the cancer ward and start talking to her, presumably about Twinkies and Mallo-mars and tell her you're also dying of (any type of) cancer and how you are scared of dying as a virgin. If she asks you for proof, take out the syringe and show her your medicene. By then she'll be sucking you dry and letting you face fuck the shit out of her. Just remember to wear a condom, otherwise, you'll get the chemo.
Scenario # 3: You're arguing with some girl about whatever, whether it be money, billing issues, whatever, you just need to shut up and apologize to her. Let the cunt know you're wrong and reach out to her, so that she can suck your dick. When you apologize to a girl, you're rebuilding a broken bridge, one that only receiving fellatio can fix. Since you did something wrong, it's only fair that you apologize, by letting her suck your dick. After she sucks you dry, might as well stage 4 that slut.
Scenario $ 4: If all else fails, go to West Hollywood, wearing a blindfold and let the night progress as it should. Remember, you'll always find a warm mouth and some strange ass to give you what you need, and a blindfold gives you a mulligan.
Keep up the good work, Phil Asheeyans!
Scenario # 1: You're at a party of some sort and you get pulled into a restroom stall by a woman. This is the fantasy of most guys everywhere, dirty sex in a public restroom. It's a great way to do it, because most girls who pull guys into a restroom stall don't ask supplemental information like name, occupation, or they VIN # from a car. In this scenario, think about it, you can have sex and never be caught sans condom, because the cunt doesn't know your name.
Scenario # 2: You're at a cancer ward at a local hospital and you meet a BBW who happens to be there because she's suffering from (any type) cancer. Rather than befriending her, so that she doesn't die alone, you use her lack of health for your advantage. A simple $4.95 investment in some saline and syringes is all you need to get her in the sack. Show up at the cancer ward and start talking to her, presumably about Twinkies and Mallo-mars and tell her you're also dying of (any type of) cancer and how you are scared of dying as a virgin. If she asks you for proof, take out the syringe and show her your medicene. By then she'll be sucking you dry and letting you face fuck the shit out of her. Just remember to wear a condom, otherwise, you'll get the chemo.
Scenario # 3: You're arguing with some girl about whatever, whether it be money, billing issues, whatever, you just need to shut up and apologize to her. Let the cunt know you're wrong and reach out to her, so that she can suck your dick. When you apologize to a girl, you're rebuilding a broken bridge, one that only receiving fellatio can fix. Since you did something wrong, it's only fair that you apologize, by letting her suck your dick. After she sucks you dry, might as well stage 4 that slut.
Scenario $ 4: If all else fails, go to West Hollywood, wearing a blindfold and let the night progress as it should. Remember, you'll always find a warm mouth and some strange ass to give you what you need, and a blindfold gives you a mulligan.
Keep up the good work, Phil Asheeyans!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A topicless blog
Q: What is the difference between a woman with cancer and a woman with diabetes?
A: You can't catch chemo from a diabetic.
Q: What do a terminally ill woman and Heath Ledger have in common?
A: Nothing, unless the ill woman is going to commit suicide.
Ok, so I'm officially going to hell now, but on the way, let's discuss a few things. It's Friday night, and you have no plans, but want to get a woman. Allow me to present C-Mud's Friday Night kit. In this kit, you'll find everything you need to party. It's an average looking stainless steel kit with a few essentials: lubricant, anal beads, quaaludes, blow, and pixie dust. Take this kit with you and if used correctly on a woman, you're guaranteed to get them to Stage 3, at a minumum.
Of course, C-Mud is EOPM (Equal Opportunity Poon Man) so his kit will need to be altered for people of different persuasions. If you meet the BBW, above 18, of course, you'll need to buy some Jell-o pudding. If you meet a black woman, you'll need to get your hands on some crack.
The C-Mud Friday Night kit is available at fine retailers for $59.99.
Ok, so you forgot your C-Mud Friday night kit, on to scenario # 2. The club is about to close, and your little buddy is hard. This is the perfect time to get your hands on a BBW. Just make sure you don't tell her your real name. The best name to use is that of your worst enemy. That way, if she gets pregnant, your worst enemy is on the hook. Feed the BBW a slice of pizza or a macho burrito and you're guaranteed to get her in Stage 4.
So you're not at the club anymore, maybe you didn't get in, or you got kicked out for Yaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooow!-ing it up (which should be legal) with every girl..on to scenario #3. A cancer (or non-STD) support group. Find the sickest looking girl there, maybe one hooked up to an oxygen machine or ivy and offer her some consolation. Tell her you're dying too and you're going to die a virgin, unless terminally ill cancer girl is willing to give you some pity love. Cancer girls are 74.9% more likely to give pity love than girls without cancer, as they're going to die too. A girl on her deathbed can be a slut because no one will mention that in her eulogy. Remember, wear a condom when doing a cancer girl, as they spread the chemo, a condition that kills. (I know someone who died of the chemo)
If you don't have a support group in your village, and scenario 1 and 2 are not doing it for you, your last ditch effort is to find that hot aunt or cousin that you're related to, not by blood, and instigate some stuff between them and their spouse. After they fight with their spouse, go over and console the aunt or cousin and while they're crying, put them in stage 1. Stage 2-4 will surely follow when they realize that you're more than just a shoulder to cry on. Make sure they're related to you, not by blood, as I do not condone having sex with blood relatives - it's illegal.
It's a bad, bad world out there boys, you have 1 thing to protect you, your false identity. Don't be a fool!
A: You can't catch chemo from a diabetic.
Q: What do a terminally ill woman and Heath Ledger have in common?
A: Nothing, unless the ill woman is going to commit suicide.
Ok, so I'm officially going to hell now, but on the way, let's discuss a few things. It's Friday night, and you have no plans, but want to get a woman. Allow me to present C-Mud's Friday Night kit. In this kit, you'll find everything you need to party. It's an average looking stainless steel kit with a few essentials: lubricant, anal beads, quaaludes, blow, and pixie dust. Take this kit with you and if used correctly on a woman, you're guaranteed to get them to Stage 3, at a minumum.
Of course, C-Mud is EOPM (Equal Opportunity Poon Man) so his kit will need to be altered for people of different persuasions. If you meet the BBW, above 18, of course, you'll need to buy some Jell-o pudding. If you meet a black woman, you'll need to get your hands on some crack.
The C-Mud Friday Night kit is available at fine retailers for $59.99.
Ok, so you forgot your C-Mud Friday night kit, on to scenario # 2. The club is about to close, and your little buddy is hard. This is the perfect time to get your hands on a BBW. Just make sure you don't tell her your real name. The best name to use is that of your worst enemy. That way, if she gets pregnant, your worst enemy is on the hook. Feed the BBW a slice of pizza or a macho burrito and you're guaranteed to get her in Stage 4.
So you're not at the club anymore, maybe you didn't get in, or you got kicked out for Yaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooow!-ing it up (which should be legal) with every girl..on to scenario #3. A cancer (or non-STD) support group. Find the sickest looking girl there, maybe one hooked up to an oxygen machine or ivy and offer her some consolation. Tell her you're dying too and you're going to die a virgin, unless terminally ill cancer girl is willing to give you some pity love. Cancer girls are 74.9% more likely to give pity love than girls without cancer, as they're going to die too. A girl on her deathbed can be a slut because no one will mention that in her eulogy. Remember, wear a condom when doing a cancer girl, as they spread the chemo, a condition that kills. (I know someone who died of the chemo)
If you don't have a support group in your village, and scenario 1 and 2 are not doing it for you, your last ditch effort is to find that hot aunt or cousin that you're related to, not by blood, and instigate some stuff between them and their spouse. After they fight with their spouse, go over and console the aunt or cousin and while they're crying, put them in stage 1. Stage 2-4 will surely follow when they realize that you're more than just a shoulder to cry on. Make sure they're related to you, not by blood, as I do not condone having sex with blood relatives - it's illegal.
It's a bad, bad world out there boys, you have 1 thing to protect you, your false identity. Don't be a fool!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Dead Pool: 2009
Without any further adieu, here is my deadpool for 2009
1) John Wooden - No disrespect, but you're 147 years old now. You talk about the good old days when you could buy a steak, a shake, and a hand job for 35 cents and have 11 cents left over to watch a picture show. Anyone who talks about the good old days is just...old.
2) Caroline Kennedy - It's been a while since your brother died, and since you're running for office, it's about time for something to happen to you, since you're part of the most cursed American family ever. Before you get on a plane or go hiking, can I put you in stage 2?
3) Ted Kennedy - Mr. Brain Cancer himself. Stop slurring your words, you decrepit fool. Sometimes, when you lose control over your faculties, it's time to go. Plus, you have cancer.
4) Dick Clark - I saw you on New Years Eve. Speak English man!!! It's not my fault you had a stroke, but you know what, at least I can articulate my thoughts so the average man can understand me. That being said, when you do leave this planet, can I get some fellatio from your wife?
5) Ron Springs - You got a kidney transplant, and instead of being alive to thank your best friend, you went into a coma. What a great friend you are, taking his kidney and becoming a vegetable. You are the Terry Schiavo of 2009.
Here is one anecdote for you to ponder, as we begin our new year...
What do John Travolta and Dr. Dre have in common?
Nothing, but their sons are dead.
1) John Wooden - No disrespect, but you're 147 years old now. You talk about the good old days when you could buy a steak, a shake, and a hand job for 35 cents and have 11 cents left over to watch a picture show. Anyone who talks about the good old days is just...old.
2) Caroline Kennedy - It's been a while since your brother died, and since you're running for office, it's about time for something to happen to you, since you're part of the most cursed American family ever. Before you get on a plane or go hiking, can I put you in stage 2?
3) Ted Kennedy - Mr. Brain Cancer himself. Stop slurring your words, you decrepit fool. Sometimes, when you lose control over your faculties, it's time to go. Plus, you have cancer.
4) Dick Clark - I saw you on New Years Eve. Speak English man!!! It's not my fault you had a stroke, but you know what, at least I can articulate my thoughts so the average man can understand me. That being said, when you do leave this planet, can I get some fellatio from your wife?
5) Ron Springs - You got a kidney transplant, and instead of being alive to thank your best friend, you went into a coma. What a great friend you are, taking his kidney and becoming a vegetable. You are the Terry Schiavo of 2009.
Here is one anecdote for you to ponder, as we begin our new year...
What do John Travolta and Dr. Dre have in common?
Nothing, but their sons are dead.
Monday, January 5, 2009
New Years Resolutions
Happy 2009, readers of Phil's blog!!! Thank you for your continued support and I promise 2009 will be the best year ever for Phil Asheeyo Joe.
With the beginning of a new year comes opportunities to start anew and accomplish goals that were not addressed in the previous year.
Here are some goals which all my readers should try to achieve as the new year begins:
1) Put at least 3 girls a month in Stage 1, 2 girls in Stage 2, and 1 girl in Stage 4. Remember, you can knock this goal out if you have a steady diet of BBW's, toothless women, cancer girls, and party favors handy. Don't be stupid and give the girls your real name, and don't waste any money on condoms. Remember, your only protection is your made up name, etc.
2) Incorporate some latin payyon in your daily life. Women, especially relatively hot ones, love latin men, so remember, adjusting the way joo talk can often translate into 3 or 4 extra women to face fuck on a monthly basis. Chang Lee can easily become Carlos Leon de Montes with a sombrero and some payyonate words for the ladies.
3) Befriend at least 1 girl who has terminal cancer. Women who are about to die will let you stage 4 them 85% more often than women who are going to live a long and happy life. Plus, if you slip up and tell cancer girl your real name and spooge inside her, since she's about to die, the bastard kid will never be born.
4) Raise your standards. Hey, it's a new year, time to stop going for the 300 pound BBW's and trade up, for the 245 lb BBW's. They're a little lighter and I bet more flexible too. The hotter the girl, the better your self esteem will be. Remember, keep the 300 lb BBW when you're really desperate.
5) Quaaludes-a-plenty. Women are 78% more likely to allow your finger in their vagina if you enhance their night with (legal) party favors. Now I'm not suggesting you feed them Quaaludes to lubricate their hole down below, but maybe an extra shot of 151 or something similar. Remember, party favors make every girl a party girl.
6) Just go out there and have fun. No matter what, as long as you have a good false identity, some party favors, a diet of fat or terminally ill girls, and a payyonate latin accent, life will never be too boring.
On a sad note, I want to offer my condolences to Kelly Preston and that guy she shacks up with, regarding the death of their son. It's always sad when someone dies, but my sources tell me that KD disease is often passed from the father. So really, Kelly Preston's guy's fault that the kid died. Stupid parents - not checking their genome. Anyways Kelly, if you need to mourn the loss, I have a lap available at all times for your face. I'm ready for my thank you fellatio!
Make me proud Phil's Readers!
With the beginning of a new year comes opportunities to start anew and accomplish goals that were not addressed in the previous year.
Here are some goals which all my readers should try to achieve as the new year begins:
1) Put at least 3 girls a month in Stage 1, 2 girls in Stage 2, and 1 girl in Stage 4. Remember, you can knock this goal out if you have a steady diet of BBW's, toothless women, cancer girls, and party favors handy. Don't be stupid and give the girls your real name, and don't waste any money on condoms. Remember, your only protection is your made up name, etc.
2) Incorporate some latin payyon in your daily life. Women, especially relatively hot ones, love latin men, so remember, adjusting the way joo talk can often translate into 3 or 4 extra women to face fuck on a monthly basis. Chang Lee can easily become Carlos Leon de Montes with a sombrero and some payyonate words for the ladies.
3) Befriend at least 1 girl who has terminal cancer. Women who are about to die will let you stage 4 them 85% more often than women who are going to live a long and happy life. Plus, if you slip up and tell cancer girl your real name and spooge inside her, since she's about to die, the bastard kid will never be born.
4) Raise your standards. Hey, it's a new year, time to stop going for the 300 pound BBW's and trade up, for the 245 lb BBW's. They're a little lighter and I bet more flexible too. The hotter the girl, the better your self esteem will be. Remember, keep the 300 lb BBW when you're really desperate.
5) Quaaludes-a-plenty. Women are 78% more likely to allow your finger in their vagina if you enhance their night with (legal) party favors. Now I'm not suggesting you feed them Quaaludes to lubricate their hole down below, but maybe an extra shot of 151 or something similar. Remember, party favors make every girl a party girl.
6) Just go out there and have fun. No matter what, as long as you have a good false identity, some party favors, a diet of fat or terminally ill girls, and a payyonate latin accent, life will never be too boring.
On a sad note, I want to offer my condolences to Kelly Preston and that guy she shacks up with, regarding the death of their son. It's always sad when someone dies, but my sources tell me that KD disease is often passed from the father. So really, Kelly Preston's guy's fault that the kid died. Stupid parents - not checking their genome. Anyways Kelly, if you need to mourn the loss, I have a lap available at all times for your face. I'm ready for my thank you fellatio!
Make me proud Phil's Readers!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Holiday movies for people of every different race
Around christmas time, many people like to get together with their respective families to watch a picture show, or two, so that got me thinking, what do people of different races watch around christmas time.
So, without further adieu, here is a list of movies that people like to watch:
The Blacks love a lot of different movies, movies with people of color in them. For instance, the blacks love to watch Tyler Perry movies around christmas as they take place in Atlanta, home of the blacks, and Madea reminds a lot of blacks of a great aunt. Some honorable mentions go to 8 mile, because it is filmed in the motherland of the blacks - Detroit, Double Take, because of the mention of malt liquor, The Wash, because it has Snoop Dogg in it, and Malibu's Most Wanted, because the main character thinks he's black.
The Mexicans like to watch movies where there is a lot of payyon, mexican people, and/or musica. The most notable movie popular with the mexicans is La Bamba. Ritchie Valens sings about amor and payyon, and it takes place in the San Fernando Valley, home to a lot of the mexicans. The movie also addresses topics like fear of flying, and illegitamate children. Some honorable mentions go to The Legend of Zorro, another movie with some latin payyon, Stand and Deliver, because most of the characters alternate between english and spanish, and 187, because of the high mexican to non mexican ratio.
The orientals like to watch movies with kung fu and karate. The most popular movie for the orientals to watch during the holidays is Mulan, as it is the most accurate depiction of a family from China, as it does contain a gong. Plus, the characters in Mulan look chinese. Honorable mentions go to any movie with Jet Li, Jackie Chan, or Chow Yun Fat, as well as Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, because of the little oriental boy - Short Round, and Lethal Weapon 4, with Little Ping.
The whites like to watch movies with political correctness in them, movies where homosexuality is considered cool, and diseases like the GC and the chemo are talked about openly. Brokeback Mountain is the most popular movie for the whites to watch when they are together as a family, plus they can mourn Heath Ledger and talk about what a great father he was and how much he loved is daughter. Honorable mentions go to Philadelphia, because of the GC, and The Family Stone, because the mom got the BC (Breast Chemo) and died. I wonder if the dad from the family stone got the chemo for doing mom.
This is a pretty inclusive list, so I suggest you pop some popcorn, open up a 40 dogg and watch a way. Merry Christmas!
So, without further adieu, here is a list of movies that people like to watch:
The Blacks love a lot of different movies, movies with people of color in them. For instance, the blacks love to watch Tyler Perry movies around christmas as they take place in Atlanta, home of the blacks, and Madea reminds a lot of blacks of a great aunt. Some honorable mentions go to 8 mile, because it is filmed in the motherland of the blacks - Detroit, Double Take, because of the mention of malt liquor, The Wash, because it has Snoop Dogg in it, and Malibu's Most Wanted, because the main character thinks he's black.
The Mexicans like to watch movies where there is a lot of payyon, mexican people, and/or musica. The most notable movie popular with the mexicans is La Bamba. Ritchie Valens sings about amor and payyon, and it takes place in the San Fernando Valley, home to a lot of the mexicans. The movie also addresses topics like fear of flying, and illegitamate children. Some honorable mentions go to The Legend of Zorro, another movie with some latin payyon, Stand and Deliver, because most of the characters alternate between english and spanish, and 187, because of the high mexican to non mexican ratio.
The orientals like to watch movies with kung fu and karate. The most popular movie for the orientals to watch during the holidays is Mulan, as it is the most accurate depiction of a family from China, as it does contain a gong. Plus, the characters in Mulan look chinese. Honorable mentions go to any movie with Jet Li, Jackie Chan, or Chow Yun Fat, as well as Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, because of the little oriental boy - Short Round, and Lethal Weapon 4, with Little Ping.
The whites like to watch movies with political correctness in them, movies where homosexuality is considered cool, and diseases like the GC and the chemo are talked about openly. Brokeback Mountain is the most popular movie for the whites to watch when they are together as a family, plus they can mourn Heath Ledger and talk about what a great father he was and how much he loved is daughter. Honorable mentions go to Philadelphia, because of the GC, and The Family Stone, because the mom got the BC (Breast Chemo) and died. I wonder if the dad from the family stone got the chemo for doing mom.
This is a pretty inclusive list, so I suggest you pop some popcorn, open up a 40 dogg and watch a way. Merry Christmas!
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